No Acid Rounds this week.
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To busy beastin' games
To busy beastin' games
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Acid Rounds: No Acid Rounds!
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Back to Life, Back to Neptunia
Soul II Soul aside, and hereby referencing my age, making the following post just that touch more creepy...
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After a solid few weeks of following the Capcom hype-train and completing RE2:Remake and DMCV, I am maintaining a transport metaphor and like a midwestern early 20th century hobo I'm grabbing my belongings in a handkerchief suspended in a stick over my shoulder and jumpin’ carts, scuttling back over to the Nep-train with a jug of moonshine.
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I needed a change of pace, too much panicking, getting bitten and quick action Super Sexy Stylin’ button mashing. I found myself pining for turn-based JRPG, where not exactly the most thrill chasing of genres, ultimately just some menus which make flashy wooshes and sound effects interspersed with some plot advancing text. I miss the grandeur of Final Fantasy VII, Chrono Trigger, Super Mario RPG, and um… More recently… um? I dunno, I guess that Miitopia one? And maybe Pokemon? Most turn-based JRPGs nowadays are linked to massive overwhelming canon series that are too daunting to even know where to begin on, AKA Shin-Megami-Etrian-Fire-Emblem-Dragon-Persona XVII: Revival Origins EX+
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But there is one such series which has a special place in my heart, The Neptunia Series! A few years back I played through the Remakes on the PS Vita proving to be a great pick up and put down game for my then commute. I’m not going to get into the history of the games, (check the previous linky), I started with the Re;makes because they were the first ones available to us silly westerners. After ploughing through the main plot of all three of them and then a couple of the spin offs. I started on Megadimension Neptunia: VII which is pronounced Vee-two and is actually the fourth in the canon series, and a direct sequel to Hyperdimension Neptunia:Victory (Hence Vee-two ) which was remade as Re;Birth 3…Phew. And despite all this crazy naming, you kinna know its all on purpose, for if you don’t take anything else away from this, or you don’t know anything more about the Neptunia series, is they are super self-referential, they hang lamps on trope references… think Deadpool if he was a purple haired anime girl.
Take this exchange:
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Initially I started VII quite a while ago, <INTENSELY BORING BIT> but thanks to a bug with older PCs and certain graphics cards I could not proceed past the first cutscene. I recently again picked it up and as it turn out that bug was fixed, woop! <END: INTENSELY BORING BIT BIT (objectively)> Throwing myself back into the Neptunia world for nearly 10 hours now and I have completed a tutorial, the second dungeon and most excitingly the new format boss battles which allow you to use turns to additionally bounce about on floating platforms and attack a giant monster. But oh man, its hard. With great power JRPGS, comes great responsibility loads of grinding. Even the first dungeons, ramp up the Difficulty within them pretty solidly, I found myself actually having to purchase and use consumables, which… I mean… yeah, I get it, its what it is there for! But my poor item hording instincts have been set to red alert, how do I sleep at night knowing I might not have 30/30 “healing grass”!
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Love and Vert is best Waifu
Richie X
After a solid few weeks of following the Capcom hype-train and completing RE2:Remake and DMCV, I am maintaining a transport metaphor and like a midwestern early 20th century hobo I'm grabbing my belongings in a handkerchief suspended in a stick over my shoulder and jumpin’ carts, scuttling back over to the Nep-train with a jug of moonshine.
I needed a change of pace, too much panicking, getting bitten and quick action Super Sexy Stylin’ button mashing. I found myself pining for turn-based JRPG, where not exactly the most thrill chasing of genres, ultimately just some menus which make flashy wooshes and sound effects interspersed with some plot advancing text. I miss the grandeur of Final Fantasy VII, Chrono Trigger, Super Mario RPG, and um… More recently… um? I dunno, I guess that Miitopia one? And maybe Pokemon? Most turn-based JRPGs nowadays are linked to massive overwhelming canon series that are too daunting to even know where to begin on, AKA Shin-Megami-Etrian-Fire-Emblem-Dragon-Persona XVII: Revival Origins EX+
Take this exchange:
Initially I started VII quite a while ago, <INTENSELY BORING BIT> but thanks to a bug with older PCs and certain graphics cards I could not proceed past the first cutscene. I recently again picked it up and as it turn out that bug was fixed, woop! <END: INTENSELY BORING BIT BIT (objectively)> Throwing myself back into the Neptunia world for nearly 10 hours now and I have completed a tutorial, the second dungeon and most excitingly the new format boss battles which allow you to use turns to additionally bounce about on floating platforms and attack a giant monster. But oh man, its hard. With great power JRPGS, comes great responsibility loads of grinding. Even the first dungeons, ramp up the Difficulty within them pretty solidly, I found myself actually having to purchase and use consumables, which… I mean… yeah, I get it, its what it is there for! But my poor item hording instincts have been set to red alert, how do I sleep at night knowing I might not have 30/30 “healing grass”!
Now with the recent announcement of the Super Neptunia RPG and the even more recent announcement Neptunia Shooter… can I beast through this instalment before May 31!
Love and Vert is best Waifu
Richie X
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"We are on a Break"
Taking a break from posting to the
Love and If we took a holiday, Took some time to celebrate, Just one day out of life, It would be, it would be so nice,
Richie and Cunzy1_1 X
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Acid Rounds: Attack of the Friday Monsters (Nintendo 3DS)
Acid rounds is a semiregular, irregular spot on TGAM for games we have beasted from start to finish.
Cunzy1 1: So, this one's a blast from the arse. Back in the heady days of 2013 when you still saw white dog turds in the street, earwigs were still a thing laying eggs in peoples ears and casual everythingisms was the norm, developer Level 5 released seven games in the Guild Series for the Nintendo 3DS (R.I.P. In Peace, you died before your time). Cheap and cheerful games often twists on a fun theme. Between us we played a number of them and this one has a special place in Richie's heart. So, Attack of the Friday Monsters, what's the skinny?
Richie: I genuinely have no idea what made me pick this one up! I usually hate this type of game, throwaway indie title. I have absolutely no idea what even drew me to it 5-6 years ago. My guess is there was some sort of EV training burnout, and I caught this game on a sale... As I mentioned in my previous post the beauty of this game is it's ability to capture a time, to make you nostalgic: "It genuinely makes me pine for a time when I lived as a kid in 1970s Japan". A feeling that is captured in many of those slice-of-life Ghibli films (you know the ones that don't involve flying cats and walking castles etc) or can be paralleled when you lived as a kid in middle America such as in Calvin and Hobbes comic strip or the old favourite "A Christmas story"
Cunzy1 1: How long did it take to beat and is there any replayability?
Richie: about 4-5 hours. and No, this is pop-art throwaway indie title. I didn't dislike it, but I think 1 play through is enough. The game is a visual novel, the story does suffer from that "Japanese bullshit" but despite no chance of a satisfying ending, I was happy to be on the journey.
Cunzy1 1: What's your favourite Friday-attacking monster?
Richie: I guess maybe the giant monster penguin, you don't have enough giant monster penguins in games:
Top 3 Giant Monster Penguins:
1. The Mother Penguin in Mario 64 (who has had her child repeatedly punted off a cliff)
2. Empoleon (Pokémon)
3. Penguinidon (AOTFM)
Cunzy1 1: I really think smaller projects like this to both make and play have an important role to play in gaming when it feels like every larger game is trying to GAAS you into logging in every day. Where are the Attack of the Friday Monsters and The Starship Damray today?
Richie: Little indie projects like this are passion projects, they don't have production machine or an advertising budget behind them, however they exist in strong numbers behind all of the monoliths. A reasonable analogy would be walking into Waterstones fiction, you can probably compare these titles to novellas, where as your Mario/Halo/Final Fantasies could be compared to multi-book series's that have all the shelf space and recognition. Where I tend to agree with your point above, its um... The throwaway nature of them causes something not to sit right with me, probably a hokey time/investment brain wiring issue on my part,
Cunzy1 1: Embarrassingly, we've got this far and not talked about the content of the game. What do you do? Do you go along? Is there no scoping? What is 'playing' this game?
Richie: Ah yes! So as I mentioned this is a glorified Visual Novel, except you can move around, much of what you do involves wandering round the beautiful/peaceful 1970's Japanese town town speaking to NPCs. Occasionally, you wont be able to progress unless you play the "card game". The cards are collected by finding "Glims" little shiny things in the static background which when you get 7 turn into a card.
I'm not going to go into to the mechanics of the card game too deeply, as it barely constitutes a "game".
Yet somehow all is forgiven for the lack of "gameplay" because it's all pretty and nostalgic and summery. And I think that pretty much sums it up, the beautiful imagery and music are the ingredients to a wholey fake-nostalgic atmosphere, which makes you forgive any semblance of a game.
Cunzy1 1: Score out of Level-5?
Richie: I dunno? Level 4-2, the one with the warp zone? Honestly its fine, it cost £2.69, it was a warm fuzzy story on my DS, an interactive novel which instilled the warm and fuzzies. Don't go in there with a Min Max attitude.
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An Omastar is STILL For Life
With the, how shall we say, 'fan backlash' to the recent confirmation and reiteration that some Pokémon would not be compatible with the upcoming Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield for Nintendo Switch it's perhaps timely to check in with Dactylocer, the Omastar that, alongside a few others, we've transferred from game to game, region to region and hardware generation to generation since 2004's Pokémon Fire Red for the Game Boy Advance*.
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The Story So Far
We last checked in with Dactylocer back in 2013 in blogpost An Omastar is for life charting one spiral pokémon's journey from Game Boy Advance to Game Cube to Nintendo DS to Wii to a pedometer and even exploration of the Dream World on PC. Unova had been conquered and we were waiting to hear about compatibility with Pokémon X and Y and the chance to take on the Kalos region.
Generation Six
Fortunately, after a little longer wait that anticipated, thanks to the delay in Pokémon Bank and a quick stint on the cloud, Dactylocer arrived in the Kalos region on Pokémon Y . Omastar's adorable little beaked face was prodded and stuffed with treats in Pokémon-Amie. It was on the team that helped to catch a small army of shiny pokémon in horde battles and after nearly 10 years of not being properly EV trained was tooled into a living weapon in Super Training by errr firing balls at giant pokémon balloons. Of course, a Kalos Champion Ribbon was picked up for beating the Elite 4 of this region.
In 2014 it was time for a return tour of a bigger, brighter and badder Hoenn region in Pokémon Alpha Sapphire. Dactylocer took to the skies (with help) to round up a whole host of legendary pokémon (to be boxed away in Bank for the forseeable) and had a second crack at Pokémon Contests earning a highly coveted beauty master ribbon for the trouble.
Generation Seven
Omastar then jetted from one island paradise to another with Pokémon Moon and subsequently Pokémon Ultra Sun. Dactylocer's awful genetics were finally artificially fixed with hyper training by errr giving a man some bottlecaps... Omastar also experimented with a few Z-Moves but didn't get addicted because he's such a good boy. Ribbons aplenty were earned by besting the Alola champion, winning a Battle Royal (or two) and making some progress in the Battle Tree.
Look At My Pokeymans
Here's the current build in all it's glory:
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Not too bad considering it was a random helix fossil, (the helix fossil from Mt. Moon) revival on Pokémon Fire Red.
Top Left. Aside from some maxing out with PP Ups and PP Max the moveset hasn't changed since Shell Smash became an option in Black and White. You could argue that Ancient Power is a wasted move slot and I'd agree with you but I like the flavour and the fossil animations. You could make the same argument about Swift Swim as the ability too, it's nice to be able to take advantage of the weather but doesn't make much sense in a Shell Smash set and I should probably ability capsule it to Shell Armour which is less conditional. Surf is on there as Dactylocer combos with a dry skin Toxicroak in double battles. Basic pokeball speaks to humble roots man.
Top Middle. The effort value spread is as bog standard as it can get for this kind of build and was tweaked in super training, berry erasing the older random set.
Top Left. Probably the bit I'm most sentimental about are the ribbons picked up along the way, this is page one of two. I honestly wished I'd been a bit more patient and could have had more to show for it here such as the Gorgeous Royal Ribbon which was just a save-up job. By rights, Omastar should have the Earth Ribbon too but I transferred it over before doing both 100 battle challenges in XD and Colloseum. It was the first to get a leaf crown too, not that that's visible here but I know it should be there.
Bottom Right: I'd have to look it up to check but at one point this summary was somewhat flattened and used to have more specifics in there(?). The modest nature was blind luck.
Bottom Left: Not much to say here really. This is the spread you get!
Middle: Although Omastar had been rocking max individual values in defense, again randomly, thanks to Sun and Moon's hyper training, the Pokémon equivalent of a genome nip and tuck, all are now maxed. Hopefully this will carry over into future games as I've invested quite a bit in farming bottle caps.
Super Soldier Programme
Since then, thanks to the production line facilities of Poké Pelago which allows for batch egg hatching and remote effort value training, Dactylocer is the great father of a veritable army of max IV perfectly EV'd Omastars (including a much sought after shiny) called the Omarmy. The next region won't so much as be travelled to as conquered by a tentacled army with the battle scarred veteran Dactylocer leading the charge... or will it?
#BringBackTheNationalDex
At the time of writing Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon are the latest games. During a Pokémon Direct earlier this year the current planned roadmap for the so-called 'mainline' Pokémon games (see image below) was laid out, significantly, this is the first time the main series is moved to home consoles.
You'd think that given our long journey with Dactylocer and many others we've moved from game to game, we'd be up in arms too about the fact that not all Pokémon will be playable in Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield. Although we don't know the final list of those who will be playable in the next titles, we're going to be honest and say that it's unlikely Omastar will make the cut for a number of reasons. Firstly, they probably know about the Omarmy, they are widely feared so protecting the Galar Region makes sense. Secondly, Omastar and Omanyte are hardly the merchandise shifters that the Eeveelutions or the starters are and the weird mechanics with the fossils adds further faffery.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love it if Omastar did make the cut and the journey could be continued on the big screen but my hopes aren't high.
However, we're not at all annoyed at the decision to not have all Pokémon in the next games. We still remember having to buy two £50 games on another system just to get access to the rest of the second generation pokémon when Collosseum and XD were out, not to mention decades of extremely rare opportunities to get event pokémon, often involving driving to Toys'R'Us car parks of random UK cities. So let's say it's not that we're riled. Just used to it. Having a limited selection will be perhaps a bit cathartic and to be honest in our darkest moments amassing and shifting a living dex, breeding stock, shinies, favourites and spare legendaries from one game to another has become work. We'd probably be more willing to wield the pitch forks however, had Pokémon Home not been announced.
Details are currently thin on the ground but as the below image shows it's going to be the hub between the current generations, Pokémon Let's Go and that awful app. In the first instance we can't wait to finally corral pokémon, especially some nice shinies currently marooned on the Go line side of things although more details about the plans for how Pokémon will be integrated across future games would make it a little less nerve wracking (some are calling Home, Pokémon Prison or Pokémon Jail at the prospect of the journey being one way and no confirmation that they'll all ever get out, if they aren't in Pokémon Sword).
Pokémon Home will be the fourth of the 'Box' type games released in the UK following Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire Box for the Gamecube, My Pokémon Ranch on the Wii and Pokémon Bank for the Nintendo 3DS. We're quietly hoping that Home will be more than the plain storage facility of Box and Bank, perhaps with the interactivity of My Pokémon Ranch but with more tools for breeding, training and item consolidation. Wildly ambitious and optimistic? Perhaps but it's this service we're keeping an eye on more than Pokémon Sword and the 'NationalDex' fiasco.
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Will Omastar and the Omarmy get to rampage the Galar region and get mad huge in raids or will the Omarmy end up stuck in the Pokémon Phantom Zone? Will they code in recognition for all that fucking work we put into getting a leaf crown? Will we ever beat 100 trainers in the Battle Tower/Tree? What rock types will Sword and Shield bring to the table? We can hardly wait until November.
*We had a lot of comments last time around that transferring Pokémon to recent games has been possible continuously since Pokémon Sapphire and Pokémon Ruby. Yes, we know, We've done both tours of the Hoenn region, however, Omanyte and Omastar weren't available until Pokémon Fire Red and Pokémon Leaf Green although they could be transferred 'back' to Pokémon Sapphire and Pokémon Ruby.
The Story So Far
We last checked in with Dactylocer back in 2013 in blogpost An Omastar is for life charting one spiral pokémon's journey from Game Boy Advance to Game Cube to Nintendo DS to Wii to a pedometer and even exploration of the Dream World on PC. Unova had been conquered and we were waiting to hear about compatibility with Pokémon X and Y and the chance to take on the Kalos region.
Generation Six
Fortunately, after a little longer wait that anticipated, thanks to the delay in Pokémon Bank and a quick stint on the cloud, Dactylocer arrived in the Kalos region on Pokémon Y . Omastar's adorable little beaked face was prodded and stuffed with treats in Pokémon-Amie. It was on the team that helped to catch a small army of shiny pokémon in horde battles and after nearly 10 years of not being properly EV trained was tooled into a living weapon in Super Training by errr firing balls at giant pokémon balloons. Of course, a Kalos Champion Ribbon was picked up for beating the Elite 4 of this region.
 |
| What I'm most excited about the Switch games for is not gimping taking screenshots |
In 2014 it was time for a return tour of a bigger, brighter and badder Hoenn region in Pokémon Alpha Sapphire. Dactylocer took to the skies (with help) to round up a whole host of legendary pokémon (to be boxed away in Bank for the forseeable) and had a second crack at Pokémon Contests earning a highly coveted beauty master ribbon for the trouble.
 |
| The OG Beauty Master |
Generation Seven
Omastar then jetted from one island paradise to another with Pokémon Moon and subsequently Pokémon Ultra Sun. Dactylocer's awful genetics were finally artificially fixed with hyper training by errr giving a man some bottlecaps... Omastar also experimented with a few Z-Moves but didn't get addicted because he's such a good boy. Ribbons aplenty were earned by besting the Alola champion, winning a Battle Royal (or two) and making some progress in the Battle Tree.
 |
| Striking a pose at the Battle Royal |
Look At My Pokeymans
Here's the current build in all it's glory:
Not too bad considering it was a random helix fossil, (the helix fossil from Mt. Moon) revival on Pokémon Fire Red.
Top Left. Aside from some maxing out with PP Ups and PP Max the moveset hasn't changed since Shell Smash became an option in Black and White. You could argue that Ancient Power is a wasted move slot and I'd agree with you but I like the flavour and the fossil animations. You could make the same argument about Swift Swim as the ability too, it's nice to be able to take advantage of the weather but doesn't make much sense in a Shell Smash set and I should probably ability capsule it to Shell Armour which is less conditional. Surf is on there as Dactylocer combos with a dry skin Toxicroak in double battles. Basic pokeball speaks to humble roots man.
Top Middle. The effort value spread is as bog standard as it can get for this kind of build and was tweaked in super training, berry erasing the older random set.
Top Left. Probably the bit I'm most sentimental about are the ribbons picked up along the way, this is page one of two. I honestly wished I'd been a bit more patient and could have had more to show for it here such as the Gorgeous Royal Ribbon which was just a save-up job. By rights, Omastar should have the Earth Ribbon too but I transferred it over before doing both 100 battle challenges in XD and Colloseum. It was the first to get a leaf crown too, not that that's visible here but I know it should be there.
Bottom Right: I'd have to look it up to check but at one point this summary was somewhat flattened and used to have more specifics in there(?). The modest nature was blind luck.
Bottom Left: Not much to say here really. This is the spread you get!
Middle: Although Omastar had been rocking max individual values in defense, again randomly, thanks to Sun and Moon's hyper training, the Pokémon equivalent of a genome nip and tuck, all are now maxed. Hopefully this will carry over into future games as I've invested quite a bit in farming bottle caps.
Super Soldier Programme
Since then, thanks to the production line facilities of Poké Pelago which allows for batch egg hatching and remote effort value training, Dactylocer is the great father of a veritable army of max IV perfectly EV'd Omastars (including a much sought after shiny) called the Omarmy. The next region won't so much as be travelled to as conquered by a tentacled army with the battle scarred veteran Dactylocer leading the charge... or will it?
 |
| The Omarmy Breeding Pools |
At the time of writing Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon are the latest games. During a Pokémon Direct earlier this year the current planned roadmap for the so-called 'mainline' Pokémon games (see image below) was laid out, significantly, this is the first time the main series is moved to home consoles.
You'd think that given our long journey with Dactylocer and many others we've moved from game to game, we'd be up in arms too about the fact that not all Pokémon will be playable in Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield. Although we don't know the final list of those who will be playable in the next titles, we're going to be honest and say that it's unlikely Omastar will make the cut for a number of reasons. Firstly, they probably know about the Omarmy, they are widely feared so protecting the Galar Region makes sense. Secondly, Omastar and Omanyte are hardly the merchandise shifters that the Eeveelutions or the starters are and the weird mechanics with the fossils adds further faffery.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love it if Omastar did make the cut and the journey could be continued on the big screen but my hopes aren't high.
However, we're not at all annoyed at the decision to not have all Pokémon in the next games. We still remember having to buy two £50 games on another system just to get access to the rest of the second generation pokémon when Collosseum and XD were out, not to mention decades of extremely rare opportunities to get event pokémon, often involving driving to Toys'R'Us car parks of random UK cities. So let's say it's not that we're riled. Just used to it. Having a limited selection will be perhaps a bit cathartic and to be honest in our darkest moments amassing and shifting a living dex, breeding stock, shinies, favourites and spare legendaries from one game to another has become work. We'd probably be more willing to wield the pitch forks however, had Pokémon Home not been announced.
Details are currently thin on the ground but as the below image shows it's going to be the hub between the current generations, Pokémon Let's Go and that awful app. In the first instance we can't wait to finally corral pokémon, especially some nice shinies currently marooned on the Go line side of things although more details about the plans for how Pokémon will be integrated across future games would make it a little less nerve wracking (some are calling Home, Pokémon Prison or Pokémon Jail at the prospect of the journey being one way and no confirmation that they'll all ever get out, if they aren't in Pokémon Sword).
Pokémon Home will be the fourth of the 'Box' type games released in the UK following Pokémon Ruby and Sapphire Box for the Gamecube, My Pokémon Ranch on the Wii and Pokémon Bank for the Nintendo 3DS. We're quietly hoping that Home will be more than the plain storage facility of Box and Bank, perhaps with the interactivity of My Pokémon Ranch but with more tools for breeding, training and item consolidation. Wildly ambitious and optimistic? Perhaps but it's this service we're keeping an eye on more than Pokémon Sword and the 'NationalDex' fiasco.
Will Omastar and the Omarmy get to rampage the Galar region and get mad huge in raids or will the Omarmy end up stuck in the Pokémon Phantom Zone? Will they code in recognition for all that fucking work we put into getting a leaf crown? Will we ever beat 100 trainers in the Battle Tower/Tree? What rock types will Sword and Shield bring to the table? We can hardly wait until November.
*We had a lot of comments last time around that transferring Pokémon to recent games has been possible continuously since Pokémon Sapphire and Pokémon Ruby. Yes, we know, We've done both tours of the Hoenn region, however, Omanyte and Omastar weren't available until Pokémon Fire Red and Pokémon Leaf Green although they could be transferred 'back' to Pokémon Sapphire and Pokémon Ruby.
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Gaming Shit on Netflix
Every now and then a conversation sparks up round the water cooler at TGAM Towers that goes along the lines of someone asking "So is gaming mainstream yet?". Hours, insults, fisticuffs and a reminder on policy on worker in the work place later, inevitably the conclusion is a firm not yet.
We're not expecting an overnight transformation. But what would it take?
We have game inspired video games at the Box Office (okay so they're rarely great), Final Fantasy menus in restaurants, Splatoon and Pokemon collaboration ranges with Uniqlo, LEGO collaborations with Blizzard, Midway and SEGA. Museum exhibitions on video games, design and art. Gaming content seemingly dominates large swathes of the Internet from Youtube through to Youporn. Yet admitting that you choose to spend your time playing video games every now and then still feels, in the UK at least, akin to admitting that you strictly only eat the faces of babies because that's where the softest meat is.
When Does This Pre-Amble End?
When it comes to the real world, specifically the high street, video games themselves have virtually no presence at all. In fact it's got worse since our budding interest grew in the 1990s. Arcades are all but dead, few cities have a dedicated game retailer (you might be able to find a grotty copy of NBA 2018 in one of those laptop/mobile repair shops), major supermarkets stock perhaps 4.5 games and media stores in general are critically endangered. TV never manged to 'get' gaming and even though Esports is making huge strides it's still not managed to topple the likes of darts, snooker and cricket from their prime time perches (or even get broadcast at all away from the Internet).
When we first got into gaming we'd wet our pants even when video games penetrated the mass media in the lamest ways from those Lucozade Tomb Raider ads. to the awful why-can't-anyone-crack-gaming-content-on-TV shows and even feigning support for those Resident Evil films when there was frankly nothing else on the horizon.
However, now that Netflix is a national sport we're almost drowning in a rich and diverse soup of game-related content. Most of which is total pants. Some of which is bonkers and dare I say some might even have appeal beyond those who would call themselves a gamer (and cringes at the same time because nobody over the age of 12 unironically calls themselves a gamer). Gaming content is so prevalent on Netflix, it even has it's own category, two in fact! Does this mean gaming is mainstream yet? No you babyface eating monster it doesn't are you mad?
Gaming Shit Currently on UK Netflix (Alphabetically)
The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3 Okay so for all the hype up top, a lot of this stuff is cheesy kid's cartoons. This is a 30 year old cheesy cartoon loosely based on that hot new video game release Super Mario Bros. 3 and although a smidgen better than the Super Mario Bros. Super Show.... it's amazing this franchise didn't just die in the 90s. Remember King Koopa and Princess Toadstool? 13 episodes. 13 episodes too many.
Angry Birds Can any lawyers out there help? Is there some EU mandated law that means video game tie-in media has to come out decades after the thing it is based on became culturally irrelevant? Three seasons of this steaming mess and I've not got to the will to work out if this is related to the movie, the sequel movie out THIS YEAR(?), the toons series or how it will fit in with the WHO IS ASKING FOR THIS CONTENT 'long form' cartoon out in 2020. For those of you younger than 10, i.e. the target audience for this stuff, Angry Birds used to be a video game.
Black Mirror Sometimes very video game inspired, sometimes not, this series makes us question our relationship with technology makes us feel even worse for prodding a phone screen and writing swears to other 14 year olds online. Recommended watching but not all in one go mind.
Castlevania Supposedly a decent anime version of the games. I've not watched all of it because I only played Castlevania 64 and Dawn of Sorrow and if you don't understand who any of the characters are, it's reaaalllly slow and boring. Worth a try if you actually have engaged with the critically acclaimed series unlike us.
Digimon Fusion Ergh. Dirty. No. Bad Mega Bloks. No.
Dinosaur King Ahhh dinosaur games. Archaeologists have found ancient scrolls that record the Dinosaur King was actually a video game and collectible card game from 2005. This is the series from 2008 that absolutely is not based on Pokemon at all and mixes anime style and really really bad looking CGI.
Dinosaur King Ahhh dinosaur games. Archaeologists have found ancient scrolls that record the Dinosaur King was actually a video game and collectible card game from 2005. This is the series from 2008 that absolutely is not based on Pokemon at all and mixes anime style and really really bad looking CGI.
Final Fantasy XIV: Dad of Light Okay, this series is actually brilliant. Remember how Pinball Wizard was a feature movie advert for Super Mario Bros. 3? Well this is a series length advert for Final Fantasy XIV told through the heart warming story of an awkward Japanese man and his awkward relationship with his awkward recently retired Dad and he tries to rebuild that relationship by getting him into Final Fantasy XIV because they used to play Final Fantasy together. Each week is a new challenge as his Dad quits because of a mechanic he doesn't understand that helpfully his son and his guildmates help explain. Passable on it's own but elevated to must watch by a few scenes that use familiar Final Fantasy sounds that get this glorified advert tugging on the heart strings.
Halo Shit Includes Halo 4: Forward Until Dawn, Halo Legends and Halo Fall of Reach. The first one is live action and frankly awful. Legends is to Halo what Animatrix was to the Matrix and worth a watch. I've watched Halo: Fall of Reach six or seven times and I can't tell you what happens so try it perhaps?
Hi Score Girl Weird anime homage to early arcades told through the relationship of a nerdy arcade kid and an aloof posh girl who is very good at video games but not allowed to play them at home. Watch if you you always wondered about turtling in Street Fighter 2 but didn't actually look it up in the last 30 years. Probably very nostalgic for 30 something Japanese gamers. Which isn't us.
Ingress the Animation I've impressed myself that I didn't miss this. Remember Ingress the AR mobile game that nobody had heard of until it got a Pokemon Go reskin? No neither did I. Well apparently someone along the way believed so strongly in the Ingress vision that they commissioned an anime series in 2018. Really slow. Extremely Japanese. If the game was anything like this then we can understand why nobody has heard of it.
Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV (NO LONGER AVAILABLE) This appears to have been pulled which is a shame as it was alright. Apparently, I'm reliably told the events of this film are really important to the context of the game and only told in this film. Errr tough anyway you missed it here.
Minecraft Story Mode Fuck off.
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Pacman and the Ghostly Adventures Perhaps takes the award for being the least relevant television tie-in ever. We got two seconds in before reaching for the revolver and the sweet release of a bullet kiss to the brain. All the tropes of Saturday morning cartoons with none of the charisma. Remarkably there's also a Halloween and Christmas Merry Berry short to make both of those holidays even more intolerable. Brilliant soundtrack though.
Pixels Probably the best worst video game related movie of all time. I'm not sure who the audience was when it came out and with each year gets more and more obscure. It stays the same amount of crap though which is a lot of crap.
Pokemon Want to watch only the first and last series of the anime and whatever random films seem to be on Netflix at the time? Knock yourself out. For us this is the UK being shit at commercialising this shit at its worst. Its very worst. The entirety of Pokemon has never been available in the UK at the same time ever. We never got VHS/DVD releases for most series or cinematic releases for some of the films. The Pokemon TV app frustratingly cycles episodes in and out and bizarrely Netflix is missing the middle 91 seasons and the first 38 films. It doesn't fucking matter anyway every episode is the same except the latest season where every episode is the same but set in a school BECAUSE WE'RE ALL CHILDREN AND WE FIND SCHOOL SUPER RELATABLE. There's also a creepy birthday video, hilariously with characters from a season otherwise not available on Netflix. Is it too much to ask to employ one person part-time to curate this shit?
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Rabbids Invasion File under striking whilst the iron is... you know what, I can't hate on the Rabbids. I really want to but honestly they're brilliant and most of their games are too. Probably brilliant. Strangely only the 4th season is available...?
Red Vs Blue The series that built the house of goofing around in games. Early seasons have not aged well at all. How did we put up with the awful sound and even worse 'plot'? 124 seasons of this madness though so if you're in palliative care and want to speed things along...
Resident Evil: Afterlife Hysterically, only the middle film is available serving the incredibly niche audience of people who like the Milaverse Resident Evil films but are four films behind.
Skylanders Academy Remember the smash hit wallet biting Toys to Life game series that ran itself and all the imitators into the ground from 2011 to 2016 and now fill attics and sheds the world over? Well now you can enjoy the 2018 animated series withall handfuls of your favourite characters. Set in a high school. There's also a weird 1 minute long happy birthday message thing that a lot of the kid's shows have done on Netflix so if you really hate your kid and want to let them know you should show them that on their birthday I guess.
Skylanders Academy Remember the smash hit wallet biting Toys to Life game series that ran itself and all the imitators into the ground from 2011 to 2016 and now fill attics and sheds the world over? Well now you can enjoy the 2018 animated series with
Smosh the Movie Is this video games? They look cuntish enough to be Youtubers and this movie is exactly as awkward as you'd expect when Youtubers try to do something proper with make up, production values and nice cameras. Like that *cringes* Game Grumps series. Or when that *mega cringes* green haired kid did that Fortnite dance at that thing. Suggested watching if you're need that extra push to do the right thing and end yourself before it all gets a bit Fallouty round here.
Sonic Boom This is the weird one that all the furries like.
Tomb Raider I think the rebooted film before the current reboot? Is casting ladies from the North of the UK to be Lara Croft still a thing? In this movie Lara Croft, I kid you not, is a Deliveroo driver and... it does pick up from there but in a very formulaic and inoffensive kinda way.
Video Game High School (NO LONGER AVAILABLE) And be fucking thankful. What if instead of lessons at school you played different video games? Live action series with hands down one of the worst cast of actors of all time. Ridiculous premise (which of course later sort of became real with several Universities running esports programmes) glad it got removed to be honest.Tomb Raider I think the rebooted film before the current reboot? Is casting ladies from the North of the UK to be Lara Croft still a thing? In this movie Lara Croft, I kid you not, is a Deliveroo driver and... it does pick up from there but in a very formulaic and inoffensive kinda way.
Yokai Watch The new new Pokemon with 80% less appeal. Not 100% sure the game series is still going.
Children's Shows and Toilet Contents
So there we have it. No doubt there's a few I missed and some of this may have disappeared by the time you're reading this. A rich smorgasbord of children's cartoons and questionable content that got a pass because it's video games. At the time of writing, there's virtually no adult content and currently no documentaries. Which is a shame.If they wanted, Netflix could become the de facto place for curated traditionally produced gaming related content from Street Fighter live action movie and animated series, the CG Resident Evil Films, Pinball Wizard, King of Kong, Silent Hill one and two, the Dead Space films etc. etc. Instead it seems that they're content to maintain this weird ever changing half complete line up of irrelevant at launch factory manufactured kid's shows and single films from a series.
Perhaps they are right though, there's no point competing with YouTube and Twitch which now host infinity hours worth of quality content that gamers are already spending millions of pounds on supporting. Is gaming mainstream yet? Looks like we need to wait until one of the grumpy white middle class hacks at the Guardian produces an op-ed on why they're giving up on Rabbids Invasion despite everyone at dinner parties talking about it or how Smosh the Movie made them bicurious one evening.
It's perhaps better to stay in the margins of the old media whilst defining new media (at a ripe young 40), after all REALLY PUNCHY FINISHER. Right?
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Yeah... National Dex
The community is up in arms, pitchforks have been raised, picket boards have been lovingly crafted with catchy slogans for social media. The mob is revolting.
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There is a grumbling controversy fluttering in the forums and the social medias as people are furious that a thing has been 'taken' away from them because not all of the currently available Pokémon will be catchable or transferable in the upcoming games for the first time in the mainline series of the games sincelast year's Pokémon Let's Go Pikachu and Pokémon Let's Go Eevee 2002's Pokémon Sapphire and Pokémon Ruby. And as semi-professional contrarians, we straddle that high horse and RP a bit of devils advocate.
That being said, we don't know how or what or how many pokémon are not making the cut, maybe its 700, maybe its 200 maybe they are changing it up by cutting out a whole type (or two)!
What is "Home"? Pokémon Home is the new Pokémon Bank, we know very little beyond it being a new storage system, but how much interactivity will it offer, what functionality will it have? It could be like ranch offering you the ability to play with them all, it much offer even just EV training or Pelago style interactions. Until we get more info I reckon surfacing and getting on the dexit hypetrain is silly.
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Enjoy the game with the new 'mon's that's actually the best part, getting to know the new guys, playing with their new abilities and moves, that is a big part of the heart of the game! these new strange different creatures add them too your party, even though their stats are awful, Battle through the gyms (or events). At the end of it all find the 'mons that you want to create some niche hook doubles team with fight against the AI and get trounced by a fucking Bibarel/Zebstrika combo!
Generation (Gen): /dʒɛnəˈreɪʃ(ə)n/
A generation is an arbitrary fan decided word that breaks up and describes the chronology of the video games when a new set of Pokemon are 'released'. It used to be an important shortcut word to talk about the games as Pokemon from across generations were always compatible in the latest games. Sword and Shield potentially end the usefulness of talking about generations, starring Patrick Stewart and William Shatner.
Dex: /ˈdɛks/
Short for Pokedex which is a portmanteau of Pokemon Index. A catalogue of virtual monsters which offers flavour text, but most importantly a number, which upon relieving a specific monster of it's freedom is presented to you. Depending on the game the catalogue provides habitat data, sexual dimorphism and other appearance differences, average heights and weight as well as multilingual descriptions (see also National Dex).
Digimon: /nɒk,nɒk, ɒf/
Fuck off
Dynamax: /ɪˈrɛkʃ(ə)n/
The reason there will be an upsurge in the use of the Penis names for your pokémon : Richie used Dynamax. Penis became massive. Penis used Harden.
Living Dex: /ˈlɪvɪŋ ˈdɛks/
A living dex is an achievement that some players choose to undertake and it is catching and owning one of every kind of pokémon, including having each evolution stage rather than just evolving a Pokémon and keeping the last stage. This is done partly as a fan constructed extra achievement but also comes in useful for breeding Pokémon. A standard living dex is just one of each species and stage of all 809 Pokemon, some players try to collect as many forms as possible, so all the different male, female and appearance variants taking the maximum total up to over three billion (the vast majority of these are Spinda forms which only the insane try to catch). There are then much rarer shiny versions of each Pokémon doubling this to more than six billion different individual animations.
National Dex: /ˈnaʃ(ə)n(ə)l ˈdɛks/
This is the catalogue of virtual monsters that traditionally opens up after the main story is completed and allows the player to see information about pokémon not collectable within the game itself and only available by transferring from other games. In some games, finishing the main story then makes pokémon previously unavailable start appearing. Pokémon Sun and Moon did not have a National Dex although pokémon from other games could be caught (from Ultra Wormholes and other methods) and transferred over. Although this uproar is called 'Bring Back the National Dex' it's not actually about the national dex itself, more the availability of pokémon from other games. (see also Dex)
Pokémon: /ˈpoʊkɪˌmɒn, -ki-, -keɪ-/
Pocket monster, also a euphemism for a penis.
Love and make Galar great again,
TGAM X
What's This Noise Then?
There is no National Dex (terms in bold appear in the glossary at the end) in the upcoming Pokémon game, Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield, it's not #brexit, its #dexit.
There is a grumbling controversy fluttering in the forums and the social medias as people are furious that a thing has been 'taken' away from them because not all of the currently available Pokémon will be catchable or transferable in the upcoming games for the first time in the mainline series of the games since
Is taking the National Dex away a bad thing?
As of the end of Generation 7 there are 809 pokémon, including the Meltan and Melmetal caught in a seventh and eighth generation limbo. Given past additions to the dex we have seen that number increase by roughly 100 each generation following this trend we could assume that this number would be 900+ for Generation 8. And yes it would be nice to have the option of all against all, but if Gamefreak say they are dropping that number down, ultimately it just means for a different meta. Yeah some of your buddies wont be allowed into the new region, and since Galar is based on the UK, and given the time we live in... we could call it an immigration policy?That being said, we don't know how or what or how many pokémon are not making the cut, maybe its 700, maybe its 200 maybe they are changing it up by cutting out a whole type (or two)!
Technically it wasn’t in Pokémon Sun or Pokémon Moon either…
Sun and moon did not have a national dex, Yes you could have all your pokémon, however your "living dex". in fact your "numbering" of the national dex is only from Pokémon Bank and references outside of the games themselves.Has it actually been taken away? (Pokémon Home)
My living dex does not live on my game, it lives on Pokémon Bank, occasionally a Pokemon will be checked out an brought to the real game as part of a breeding program whereby it is forced to fuck a Japanese ditto (Masuda method) or it's offspring, several hundred times until I have favourable set of stats and/or pretty alternative colours. Think of it as a grotesque library of genetics where by the mons are caged in limbo and some of the luckier ones are allowed out to a breeding centre whilst I ride about on my bike beside the breeding centre endlessly hatching and destroying its young, until the egg I want hatches. At which point the mon is returned to it's electronic limbo.What is "Home"? Pokémon Home is the new Pokémon Bank, we know very little beyond it being a new storage system, but how much interactivity will it offer, what functionality will it have? It could be like ranch offering you the ability to play with them all, it much offer even just EV training or Pelago style interactions. Until we get more info I reckon surfacing and getting on the dexit hypetrain is silly.
Is this generation only going to have one game?
Obviously it is impossible to say at this point in time but realistically, probably not and Game Freak have suggested that this is the plan. So far every generation of 'mainline' games has had multiple entries per generation in addition to a healthy stack of spin-offs. However, significantly for the first time we may have a scenario in which RPGs in the same generation aren't strictly compatible with each other. We'd love to have more data on the spread of players across different games within a generation i.e. how many people were trading, battling etc. across Pokémon X and Pokémon Y with players of Pokémon Alpha Sapphire and Pokémon Omega Ruby our suspicion is it's a lot of players who just had the older game. This new change implies that this won't be the case from here on out (because if players of Pokémon Kettle and Pokémon Pot can battle with players in Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield, they can see the animations so why aren't the pokémon just in the game?). Next year, there will be an 'Ultra Sword' or a 'Gen 4' remake, which will either bolster or offer a different set of Pokemon for a different "season" of competitive play, making Home even more relevant.Other things that have been taken away?
Oh man, and out of the woodwork it comes, gripes moans grumbles about aching old mechanics from past generations. Last/This gen we had it sweet with the pelagic islands, reducing EV training and berry growing to a minimal task, no longer needing a notepad and pen or excel sheets. In general I will not hear any moans about super training, or chaining, they are awful mechanics that deserve to have died and been replaced with the quality of life improvements we got this time. The only Contentious point I can see is the removal of Z Moves and Mega Evolution, however, seeing we are getting a new megasizing mechanic (dynamax) I am up for this, again in all actuality all this does is shake up the end game, and will change which pokemon may end up being the most powerful for this generation.What does it ultimately mean?
There will be missing Pokémon there is a chance that your favourite niche Pokemon wont make it to the game and you cant add it to your team, and that is sad times. This means you will have to choose from the other X amount available to you and at end game there will be a tidy collection of pokemon that were only available at in Galar, while you wait for the next entry in this generation (SwordShield 2: Ireland). In the online competitions for a year we might not have any Ultra Beasts, or Incineroar, or rapid spinners etc etc. I still guarantee that the competition will be slow as shit and twice as boring.Enjoy the game with the new 'mon's that's actually the best part, getting to know the new guys, playing with their new abilities and moves, that is a big part of the heart of the game! these new strange different creatures add them too your party, even though their stats are awful, Battle through the gyms (or events). At the end of it all find the 'mons that you want to create some niche hook doubles team with fight against the AI and get trounced by a fucking Bibarel/Zebstrika combo!
Glossary of Terms
Generation (Gen): /dʒɛnəˈreɪʃ(ə)n/
A generation is an arbitrary fan decided word that breaks up and describes the chronology of the video games when a new set of Pokemon are 'released'. It used to be an important shortcut word to talk about the games as Pokemon from across generations were always compatible in the latest games. Sword and Shield potentially end the usefulness of talking about generations, starring Patrick Stewart and William Shatner.
Dex: /ˈdɛks/
Short for Pokedex which is a portmanteau of Pokemon Index. A catalogue of virtual monsters which offers flavour text, but most importantly a number, which upon relieving a specific monster of it's freedom is presented to you. Depending on the game the catalogue provides habitat data, sexual dimorphism and other appearance differences, average heights and weight as well as multilingual descriptions (see also National Dex).
Digimon: /nɒk,nɒk, ɒf/
Fuck off
Dynamax: /ɪˈrɛkʃ(ə)n/
The reason there will be an upsurge in the use of the Penis names for your pokémon : Richie used Dynamax. Penis became massive. Penis used Harden.
Living Dex: /ˈlɪvɪŋ ˈdɛks/
A living dex is an achievement that some players choose to undertake and it is catching and owning one of every kind of pokémon, including having each evolution stage rather than just evolving a Pokémon and keeping the last stage. This is done partly as a fan constructed extra achievement but also comes in useful for breeding Pokémon. A standard living dex is just one of each species and stage of all 809 Pokemon, some players try to collect as many forms as possible, so all the different male, female and appearance variants taking the maximum total up to over three billion (the vast majority of these are Spinda forms which only the insane try to catch). There are then much rarer shiny versions of each Pokémon doubling this to more than six billion different individual animations.
National Dex: /ˈnaʃ(ə)n(ə)l ˈdɛks/
This is the catalogue of virtual monsters that traditionally opens up after the main story is completed and allows the player to see information about pokémon not collectable within the game itself and only available by transferring from other games. In some games, finishing the main story then makes pokémon previously unavailable start appearing. Pokémon Sun and Moon did not have a National Dex although pokémon from other games could be caught (from Ultra Wormholes and other methods) and transferred over. Although this uproar is called 'Bring Back the National Dex' it's not actually about the national dex itself, more the availability of pokémon from other games. (see also Dex)
Pokémon: /ˈpoʊkɪˌmɒn, -ki-, -keɪ-/
Pocket monster, also a euphemism for a penis.
Love and make Galar great again,
TGAM X
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On WoW and Fashion
On August 27 Blizzard is launching their WoW re-boot: WoW Classic.
15 years ago, as our steadfast and loyal readership will remember, I just wouldn’t shut up about WoW, offering almost daily updates on the most mundane aspects of my (crappy) fire mage. And I shall be re-joining the masses this August, this time as a Human Paladin.
I have dipped my toe in and out of WoW, over the course of its evolution, to it’s current iteration. Though I have not partook in the past 3-ish expansions. WoW has changed a lot it's so fast paced and it’s almost impossible to die, but I will lay out my grumbles on what it has become at another point.
One of my favourite things in WoW was “Transmog”, which initially was collecting pieces of armour or weapons and by taking it to a dude in-game, he could make one look like the other. Previously this worked by having to own the armour you wanted to Transmog with, resulting in bags and banks full of low level armour. Nowadays, however you “collect” the looks allowing you to destroy them once you have got them, after you “collect” them they are added to a transmog menu. Its entirely a quality of life thing even if it is a very abstract concept for an RPG.
Wot I like to dress up in:
So yeah, my favourite class is Paladin, and I like to dress up my Paladin virtual dolly to make her pretty. Luckily Paladins have one of the most iconic sets of armour in the game: the Tier 2 Judgment Armour. The subject of so much reuse, fan art and supremely try-hard cosplay:
As much as I liked the look of the Judgment set, I’m not content with just that. I like to occasionally personalise it and also make it more plate armour-ish version of the set, so rather than spending all my time like that I enjoy spending my time mixing and matching and create an outfits in keeping with the Judgment theme, for your perusal and enjoyment.
There are a few sets in WoW, specifically from the Vanilla/Burning Crusade times that sort of combine well with the Judgement set:
Glorious Set
Hyperion Set
Glorious + Legplates of Blazing Light
Darkcrest set
The reason I am not considering beyond Vanilla and TBC is that most other armour sets from Wrath of the Lich King onwards, begin to lose any colour or variety. Part of this was to address the “Outland Clown” scenario, whereby the common items and quest rewards were wild colours, and ended up
These sets all show skin, as along with the gaudy colours these early sets are not woke, WoW was heavily criticized for this back in the day sparking memes about Bikini Warriors with preposterous floating breasts-plate (not a typo), exposed underboob, or metal panties. As a forward thinking member of “the woke”, definitely gotta try them on my Paladin! Nothing says “Holy Vessel of the light” than being half naked in metal lingerie.
Tyrants set, Now with Underboob
Going against my Vanilla/TBC rules, one of the most recent additions to WoW has been heritage armours which in the case of the blood elves looks to capture some of the aesthetics of the Judgement set:
Oh and for funs you can always turn to the darkside amd rock a bit of the Scarlet Crusade!
Love and WoW is teH SuXxorZ,
Richie X
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On the Pricing of Games...
Games. Cost. Money.
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well, in most cases, unless:
There are SO MANY out there competing for your attention. Most of them frantically and avidly jumping, shouting and screaming, while the hypetrain still has momentum - just after their release window. But slowly as they begin to age, the respective platform stores (valve) start to hug them tighter bringing them close to their bosom, they whisper sweet nothings, offering the promise immortality. Immortality in the form of being strapped into a marketing-powered life support machine. As the games ageing frames become more withered, they only get new life breathed into them on seasonal sales when they are put on display and prostituted out (for 74% off) in front of the masses. Many of which will remain in uninstalled/unplayed limbo, sold too cheaply to actually guilt anyone to play them. A trophy, the hopeful list of unfulfilled achievements echoing the hopes and dreams of game developers in the 5 day window after launch they have to recoup the last 5 years worth of development work.
They're too expensive!
They are! bang-for-your-buck is almost measurable nowadays on an hourly scale. From 3-4 hour breathy-hipster indie platformers with a rich art style and soundscapes instead of music, to 20 hour standalone AAA blockbusters, to even the monstrous MMO subscriptions with plethoras of tacked on paid for art assets.
For many years we had it good, buy a game, play it to death, no DLC, no expansions, just unlocking stuff and faint possibility of a sequel. Buying games was an investment of time. However now there is stronger demand for serviced games, online subscriptions and the pseudo "seasons".
A good example of then versus now would be Tekken 2, it was £30 on release with tonnes of "unlockables". Where Tekken 7 now has online services, and seasonal DLC releases. for £75+ Ultimately beyond the online experience, Those Tekken 2 Unlockables could be interpreted DLC that came with launch for free, Instead of paying for it you earned it in game. But what you are now paying for is years of the team(s) honing down on the fighting game mechanics, and some Ultra HD so you can see pores on Paul's skin.
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F2P, P2F, P2W, Freemium, Premium, Pay and subscribe.
Charging/paying for games is chopped up, divided into many tiny little parts and games companies want to make sure that you pay/repay/sub/and collect all that DLC....
its an argument made time and again, and we are bored of it. Just because I am old enough to remember a time when games cost a flat fee does that mean that its right? Am I harking back to a time that is rose tinited. Back when Hovis was Hovis, Monster Munch was full of chemicals, and Creme eggs were made Cadbury. Am I the equivalent of the blinkered brexiteer of the gaming world? Possibly, but dissection of games costing models only serves to scare me out of buying titles*, shoehorning in new ways off cutting up the game to make people buy it in bits, it also triggers the FOMO in me when I miss out on cosmetics. A while ago I was super psyched for Dead or alive 6, as it has been a while since I picked up one in the series. But that price tag, the fact it is unfinished and the obscene price tag attached to its season pass (even if it is filled with sad-lonely-creepy DLC) just put me right off. Done. Not interested in the series. Well maybe... I could just wait for the Gold Edition on a steam sale in 5 years time... This still makes me part of their machine, the DoA troops factor in people like me, the filthy casuals, but for the more hardcore fans, they are now being placed into a position where they have to fork out. Or! [Tin foil hat] is it just for the streamers or #contentcreators? If they can make money from your game, you would like to see more of that in your pocket? In 10 years time is it just going to be an elite club of streamers who get to pay/play for the game first for the privilege of streaming/advertising it, until a month or two later it is release and priced for the plebs.
*Who cares, don't buy it then...
Whats your point?
Um, er... the models which get applied to the games nowadays splits up the cost of the game so much that you start to question where/what that money is going to. Does it go to devs? Is it another money grabbing move by the soulless fat-cat CEO's? And Honestly I just don't like a game being split up, as a member of the old school I not only prefer a single cost, but I actually find myself adverse to the season-spanning costs for "live services". I also find the microtranactional models taken from the more aggressive F2P to be vomit inducing, akin to gambling, and ultimately unsustainable for the consumer.
I dunno I guess my point is, I would rather have a game with all of its content in it, rather than served to me piecemeal, leaving me doing mental arithmetic as to how much the game ACTUALLY ended up costing me, just so I could get Chun Li in a pink outfit.
I guess that is just my problem, I want everything in the game, even if I use it or not, do I need every bit of DLC? The OCD Completionist in me says so, but my track record for doing all the DLC and even using cosmetics is pretty bad. And I suppose there in lies the rub...
A conclusion?
I want to pay for the whole game, I don't care if it is more expensive or whatever, but breaking up my purchase over several payments/time pisses me off. Who says I wanna buy into a micro-franchise? Which only exists because on the off chance a publishers game doesn't make the money they wanted from initial sales, they can 'can' the afterthought DLC. #grump
Love and bored of the same arguments,
RichieX
well, in most cases, unless:
- You are a thief or pirate.
- You have managed to get some bundle with free titles
- Some 24 hour Xmas day promos to get game X (released X years ago).
- Or! That one time many years ago Xbox gave away a submarine game (?!) cuz Xbox live was buggered.
There are SO MANY out there competing for your attention. Most of them frantically and avidly jumping, shouting and screaming, while the hypetrain still has momentum - just after their release window. But slowly as they begin to age, the respective platform stores (valve) start to hug them tighter bringing them close to their bosom, they whisper sweet nothings, offering the promise immortality. Immortality in the form of being strapped into a marketing-powered life support machine. As the games ageing frames become more withered, they only get new life breathed into them on seasonal sales when they are put on display and prostituted out (for 74% off) in front of the masses. Many of which will remain in uninstalled/unplayed limbo, sold too cheaply to actually guilt anyone to play them. A trophy, the hopeful list of unfulfilled achievements echoing the hopes and dreams of game developers in the 5 day window after launch they have to recoup the last 5 years worth of development work.
They're too expensive!
They are! bang-for-your-buck is almost measurable nowadays on an hourly scale. From 3-4 hour breathy-hipster indie platformers with a rich art style and soundscapes instead of music, to 20 hour standalone AAA blockbusters, to even the monstrous MMO subscriptions with plethoras of tacked on paid for art assets.
For many years we had it good, buy a game, play it to death, no DLC, no expansions, just unlocking stuff and faint possibility of a sequel. Buying games was an investment of time. However now there is stronger demand for serviced games, online subscriptions and the pseudo "seasons".
A good example of then versus now would be Tekken 2, it was £30 on release with tonnes of "unlockables". Where Tekken 7 now has online services, and seasonal DLC releases. for £75+ Ultimately beyond the online experience, Those Tekken 2 Unlockables could be interpreted DLC that came with launch for free, Instead of paying for it you earned it in game. But what you are now paying for is years of the team(s) honing down on the fighting game mechanics, and some Ultra HD so you can see pores on Paul's skin.
F2P, P2F, P2W, Freemium, Premium, Pay and subscribe.
Charging/paying for games is chopped up, divided into many tiny little parts and games companies want to make sure that you pay/repay/sub/and collect all that DLC....
its an argument made time and again, and we are bored of it. Just because I am old enough to remember a time when games cost a flat fee does that mean that its right? Am I harking back to a time that is rose tinited. Back when Hovis was Hovis, Monster Munch was full of chemicals, and Creme eggs were made Cadbury. Am I the equivalent of the blinkered brexiteer of the gaming world? Possibly, but dissection of games costing models only serves to scare me out of buying titles*, shoehorning in new ways off cutting up the game to make people buy it in bits, it also triggers the FOMO in me when I miss out on cosmetics. A while ago I was super psyched for Dead or alive 6, as it has been a while since I picked up one in the series. But that price tag, the fact it is unfinished and the obscene price tag attached to its season pass (even if it is filled with sad-lonely-creepy DLC) just put me right off. Done. Not interested in the series. Well maybe... I could just wait for the Gold Edition on a steam sale in 5 years time... This still makes me part of their machine, the DoA troops factor in people like me, the filthy casuals, but for the more hardcore fans, they are now being placed into a position where they have to fork out. Or! [Tin foil hat] is it just for the streamers or #contentcreators? If they can make money from your game, you would like to see more of that in your pocket? In 10 years time is it just going to be an elite club of streamers who get to pay/play for the game first for the privilege of streaming/advertising it, until a month or two later it is release and priced for the plebs.
*Who cares, don't buy it then...
Whats your point?
Um, er... the models which get applied to the games nowadays splits up the cost of the game so much that you start to question where/what that money is going to. Does it go to devs? Is it another money grabbing move by the soulless fat-cat CEO's? And Honestly I just don't like a game being split up, as a member of the old school I not only prefer a single cost, but I actually find myself adverse to the season-spanning costs for "live services". I also find the microtranactional models taken from the more aggressive F2P to be vomit inducing, akin to gambling, and ultimately unsustainable for the consumer.
I dunno I guess my point is, I would rather have a game with all of its content in it, rather than served to me piecemeal, leaving me doing mental arithmetic as to how much the game ACTUALLY ended up costing me, just so I could get Chun Li in a pink outfit.
I guess that is just my problem, I want everything in the game, even if I use it or not, do I need every bit of DLC? The OCD Completionist in me says so, but my track record for doing all the DLC and even using cosmetics is pretty bad. And I suppose there in lies the rub...
A conclusion?
I want to pay for the whole game, I don't care if it is more expensive or whatever, but breaking up my purchase over several payments/time pisses me off. Who says I wanna buy into a micro-franchise? Which only exists because on the off chance a publishers game doesn't make the money they wanted from initial sales, they can 'can' the afterthought DLC. #grump
Love and bored of the same arguments,
RichieX
↧
↧
Acid Rounds: Final Fantasy Explorers (Nintendo 3DS)
Acid rounds is a semi-regular, irregular spot on TGAM for games we have beasted from start to finish.
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Richie: Oh here we go again, TGAM bragging about games they have beasted from start to finish... I'm sure you all REALLY care! Well strap yourself in, pin back those eyelids and set your faces to stun, as to day we talk about Cunzy allegedly beasting Final Fantasy Explorers. So over to you Cunzers, why on earth did you by this game?
Cunzy1 1: In the absence of charisma, charm, or any interesting facet about me really, I've decided that the interesting thing about me will be I'm the person who likes spin-offs better than the main series. So that's why I'm here to tell you Final Fantasy Explorers is better than any numbered Final Fantasy game of recent years.
Richie: Is Cloud in it?
Cunzy1 1: Of course! Although not as a real character. Characters from lesser Final Fantasy games appear as 'summons' by equipment magicite made from bits of gear. Equip the Cloud magicite and you can play as the little spiky haired fuck when you have enough meter.
Richie: Is Rikku in it?
Cunzy1 1: No. There's a lot of Gen Wunners; Cloud Aeris, Tifa and then Squall, Tidus, Vaan, Yuna and nobody's favourite Lightning.
Richie: Did/would you 'ship them?
Cunzy1 1: Cloud and Rikku? No. In fact, I never do hetero ships as a rule.
Richie: So its Monster hunter meets final fantasy on the 3DS, would you recommend it/play it again?
Cunzy1 1: Yes. It came out during the glorious era of surprise Monster Hunter clones that nobody asked for including Final Fantasy Explorers, Kirby Clash Deluxe, the NOT ATTACK ON TITAN Humanity in Chains and even Monster Hunter Stories. It's a better fit for the 3DS than Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate and way way easier. Set up is simple, go on quests to hunt monsters/eidolons, capture and level up monsters to have on your own team, level up standard FF jobs and there's plenty of gear crafting. What I really liked was the ability levelling up and customisation through chaining together abilities and the fact that you could name your moves too.
Richie: Who is not in it, that really should be?
Cunzy1 1: Ermmmm Monkey Boy? Seems harsh to skip IX when it came to character cameos.
Richie: Should it be ported to prettier graphics land?
Cunzy1 1: No. It's one of those instances where graphics and gameplay fit the platform. Other Monster Hunter games are too much of a commitment on the go. I got through this game almost exclusively on the commute.
Richie: Did not having the National Dex hamper your enjoyment of this game?
Cunzy1 1: There are a lot of things to collect- ingredients, monsters, equipment, abilities, moves, eidolons, magicite and weapons so more than enough to do without all the stuff from other, lesser, Final Fantasy games.
Richie: What do you want to see in Final Fantasy Explorers 2?
Cunzy1 1: I'm not sure that I want to see a Final Fantasy Explorers 2 although I do want to see Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles on the Switch. It's a trope to complain about the sheer amount of hardware needed to play the original Gamecube release, but for those who didn't play, they missed out on the best Squeenix RPG of all time.
Richie: Oh here we go again, TGAM bragging about games they have beasted from start to finish... I'm sure you all REALLY care! Well strap yourself in, pin back those eyelids and set your faces to stun, as to day we talk about Cunzy allegedly beasting Final Fantasy Explorers. So over to you Cunzers, why on earth did you by this game?
Cunzy1 1: In the absence of charisma, charm, or any interesting facet about me really, I've decided that the interesting thing about me will be I'm the person who likes spin-offs better than the main series. So that's why I'm here to tell you Final Fantasy Explorers is better than any numbered Final Fantasy game of recent years.
Richie: Is Cloud in it?
Cunzy1 1: Of course! Although not as a real character. Characters from lesser Final Fantasy games appear as 'summons' by equipment magicite made from bits of gear. Equip the Cloud magicite and you can play as the little spiky haired fuck when you have enough meter.
Richie: Is Rikku in it?
Cunzy1 1: No. There's a lot of Gen Wunners; Cloud Aeris, Tifa and then Squall, Tidus, Vaan, Yuna and nobody's favourite Lightning.
Richie: Did/would you 'ship them?
Cunzy1 1: Cloud and Rikku? No. In fact, I never do hetero ships as a rule.
Richie: So its Monster hunter meets final fantasy on the 3DS, would you recommend it/play it again?
Cunzy1 1: Yes. It came out during the glorious era of surprise Monster Hunter clones that nobody asked for including Final Fantasy Explorers, Kirby Clash Deluxe, the NOT ATTACK ON TITAN Humanity in Chains and even Monster Hunter Stories. It's a better fit for the 3DS than Monster Hunter 3 Ultimate and way way easier. Set up is simple, go on quests to hunt monsters/eidolons, capture and level up monsters to have on your own team, level up standard FF jobs and there's plenty of gear crafting. What I really liked was the ability levelling up and customisation through chaining together abilities and the fact that you could name your moves too.
Richie: Who is not in it, that really should be?
Cunzy1 1: Ermmmm Monkey Boy? Seems harsh to skip IX when it came to character cameos.
Richie: Should it be ported to prettier graphics land?
Cunzy1 1: No. It's one of those instances where graphics and gameplay fit the platform. Other Monster Hunter games are too much of a commitment on the go. I got through this game almost exclusively on the commute.
Richie: Did not having the National Dex hamper your enjoyment of this game?
Cunzy1 1: There are a lot of things to collect- ingredients, monsters, equipment, abilities, moves, eidolons, magicite and weapons so more than enough to do without all the stuff from other, lesser, Final Fantasy games.
Richie: What do you want to see in Final Fantasy Explorers 2?
Cunzy1 1: I'm not sure that I want to see a Final Fantasy Explorers 2 although I do want to see Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles on the Switch. It's a trope to complain about the sheer amount of hardware needed to play the original Gamecube release, but for those who didn't play, they missed out on the best Squeenix RPG of all time.
↧
TGAM Ponders: New Galarian Form Pokémon
Pokémon Sun introduced the idea of regional forms or variants of pokémon previously known and loved from other games and it looks like the same is going to be true for the Galar region in Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield. We got a first glimpse of four new form pokémon as well as a newbie Morpeko so we'll take a look at that too.
Flaming Galar Region
On the brink of the UK's collapse, Game Freak have seen fit to commemorate the end of the state by setting Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield in a region, heavily inspired by the UK. In particular it seems that the British Empire and industrialisation are being celebrated with the coal pokémon Rolycoly and a new Weezing form inspired, it seems, by factory owners. What better way to celebrate colonialism and the tens of thousands of children that died working in factories for a pittance? Here's the new Weezing:
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Richie: Yaaaaas Fairy/Poison, dig that shit! Maining Weezing, calling it now! I cant abandon my fire-rabbit starter quick enough! The Victorian industrial revolution design is funky, the dour grey and top hats is fantastic. Even Weezing's iconic expression works here conjuring the fat-cat stiff-upper-lip-old-boy aura. Brill.
Cunzy1 1: Yeah. Hard love. TGAM have a shared love of poison types especially the gen wunners Weezing/Muk/Arbok/Golbat. Already shipping Alolan Muk and Galarian Weezing. Hopefully this means Weezing might have some viability? Curious about the hidden ability too.
Following in the footsteps of giving rubbish pokémon an equally rubbish new lease on life; see also Mega Beedrill and half the cool-design-but-not-at-all-viable-Alolan-forms there's a new zigzagoon line form for the Galar region AND an evolved form.
![]()
Cunzy1 1: When you're favourite pokémon doesn't make the cut take solace in the fact that zigzagoon got a new form and evolution.
Richie: It looks like a badger fucked the mid 1970's - early 1980's punk subculture. Are badgers quintessentially British? I don't get this mon... Evolve and Box.
Cunzy1 1: You know what. I take it back. There're three people out there whose favourite pokémon is Linoone and against all the odds they've been fan-served. I'm happy for them all.
Richie: Yeah and it will appease all of the fanartists begging for another bipedal furry so that Lucario and Zoroark et al and have big furry fanarting orgies.
Cunzy1 1: They knew exactly what they were doing with Obstagoon's tongue and there's terraflops of deviant art already. Enough with the dark types though.
Lastly, because aside from the fanart market, none of these new pokémon are especially merchandise shifters we've got another useless adorable electric type to turn into plushies, notebooks, stickers, backpacks...
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Richie: Oh wow another electric type I wont use, I mean how many electric rodents do we need?
Cunzy1 1: Although it does instantly earn a spot on the not at all viable shit colour/form changing dream team alongside Ditto, Kecleon, Castform, Minior and Darmanitan which needed some electric support I guess(?).
Flaming Galar Region
On the brink of the UK's collapse, Game Freak have seen fit to commemorate the end of the state by setting Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield in a region, heavily inspired by the UK. In particular it seems that the British Empire and industrialisation are being celebrated with the coal pokémon Rolycoly and a new Weezing form inspired, it seems, by factory owners. What better way to celebrate colonialism and the tens of thousands of children that died working in factories for a pittance? Here's the new Weezing:
Richie: Yaaaaas Fairy/Poison, dig that shit! Maining Weezing, calling it now! I cant abandon my fire-rabbit starter quick enough! The Victorian industrial revolution design is funky, the dour grey and top hats is fantastic. Even Weezing's iconic expression works here conjuring the fat-cat stiff-upper-lip-old-boy aura. Brill.
Cunzy1 1: Yeah. Hard love. TGAM have a shared love of poison types especially the gen wunners Weezing/Muk/Arbok/Golbat. Already shipping Alolan Muk and Galarian Weezing. Hopefully this means Weezing might have some viability? Curious about the hidden ability too.
Following in the footsteps of giving rubbish pokémon an equally rubbish new lease on life; see also Mega Beedrill and half the cool-design-but-not-at-all-viable-Alolan-forms there's a new zigzagoon line form for the Galar region AND an evolved form.
Richie: It looks like a badger fucked the mid 1970's - early 1980's punk subculture. Are badgers quintessentially British? I don't get this mon... Evolve and Box.
Cunzy1 1: You know what. I take it back. There're three people out there whose favourite pokémon is Linoone and against all the odds they've been fan-served. I'm happy for them all.
Richie: Yeah and it will appease all of the fanartists begging for another bipedal furry so that Lucario and Zoroark et al and have big furry fanarting orgies.
Cunzy1 1: They knew exactly what they were doing with Obstagoon's tongue and there's terraflops of deviant art already. Enough with the dark types though.
Lastly, because aside from the fanart market, none of these new pokémon are especially merchandise shifters we've got another useless adorable electric type to turn into plushies, notebooks, stickers, backpacks...
Cunzy1 1: Although it does instantly earn a spot on the not at all viable shit colour/form changing dream team alongside Ditto, Kecleon, Castform, Minior and Darmanitan which needed some electric support I guess(?).
↧
WoW Classic: Do we need this?
In roughly a week a swathe of 30-40 somethings are going to relive and re-start a habit in a bid to re-misspend a misspent youth.
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There is a swell of hype in niche pockets of the Internet as people get more and more excited for the launch of World of Warcraft Classic. But why? Why is there the familiar toot-toot of the hype-train on the horizon for a product that is over a decade old, has a newer shinier iteration currently out and available to play, and a product that held marmite-like, positive and negative criticism when it was out.
Just to clear things up I have bought my ticket (ed: and a train drivers hat, matching t-shirt, undies and socks and the special edition coke cans) and I am on the hype train! I am genuinely looking forward to Classic, but my goals and approach are going to be massively different to it, as will it be for much of the community. So I'm gonna play a little bit of devils advocate here...
Upon launch many, many people will just be diving in for the pure nostalgia of the game, and very few of us will (ed: should) spend the amount of time and effort that we previously had done in the original WoW. Especially since because of our demographic, most of us are now grownups* with grownup commitments.
Being an adult aside, and just comparing current WoW and Classic WoW, part of what I have seen about why Classic has such a following, it that current WoW (retail) sees a bit of backlash in regard to how it plays nowadays, it is considered "dumbed down", the game has streamlined, homogenised, and refined itself to large degree making interaction minimal, levelling, dungeoning and raiding are all infinitely more accessible, and faster. The game has become easier, where, in classic, you would have to learn an individual enemy boars moves so you know how to kill him before he killed you, now you kill several boars, and don't even have time to read what moves it did on you. Where you used to chat to your guildmates or just general chat and group together and adventure your way to a dungeon, it has now been replaced by a couple of button presses followed by a teleport to the dungeon entrance. In short the game has become more of an action fantasy RPG, than an MMORPG.
This is in part Echoed by my friend and fellow WoW classic returnee Joldrath:
That being said, as we are all grownups* with grown up commitments, is Retail actually just the game we need for our hectic lives?! Is it WoW for adults? The game is so refined that it now sectioned off up into bitesize chunks, rather than the infamous 16-hour junk food stuffing, poop-socking sessions.
As with most things on the Internets nowadays, hype lives in a bubble, and a select few loud voices are the ones that get heard. Does Classic exist just for these voices? Does this only exist for private server people? Is it just for streamers?
The private server community and the streamers go hand in hand and the tin foil hat theory is that Blizzard just wanna cash in on this... Private servers have been running for years, and streamers sit on their ad revenue, when Blizz ain't even getting a subscription. Will Classic just be a way to regulate private servers will it be World of Warcraft: public private server edition. Probably. The thing is the WoW from 2004 did not have the influencer/content-creator machine to work with, but it did have a lot more eccentricities, character builds and fun to be had in that fashion, that in all honestly it is going to be a great place for content creation! 15 minute bites of "Look at this build kill this thing" or "10 Paladins take down Ragnaros". But is that the reason the folks diving into nostalgia want to play it again? Probably not.
For me, part of the nostalgia was that this game was emerging, new builds were coming out, people discussed strategies and new patches brought all sorts of shenanigans with them. WoW was a sandbox playground allowing for meta-gaming of all kinds and involving everyone in the community. With WoW Classic we are getting the final patch of WoW, we are getting "phases" where content is opening up but nothing more, and I think that may be a drop off point for a lot of people, "what's next" is very much a thing in WoW hence the plethora of patches, content and expansions that's essentially kept WoW going and with a few other games created the Games as a Service Hellscape we now live in. What we are getting is a little slice of life, a snapshot of WoW as it existed for maybe a few months (?) and a few things will cycle around it. Yeah, don't worry, I hear myself "Finally, WoW Classic, what's next?", but that is definitely a thing, and I'm sure it's not just me, I wonder what the hook will be to keep people on if there is nothing around the corner... or is there?
One hot topic is, what will happen after the phases? simply a reset and start the phases again? there is debate that based on it's success will Blizz just dive into The Burning Crusade and so on... Or it is also speculated that there could be some horizontal development continuing development but keeping the lvl 60 WoW classic experience, Could we see Death knights join us at lvl 60 or could we see Paladins on the horde side? Maybe some pandas could join the fight? Could we see tweaking to see viable Ret-lol DPS?!?? There was also a suggestion that WoW Classic could potentially enter seasonal play, akin to that of Diablo 3 with buffs and effects and such at lvl 60, changing up gameplay. Personally I would love to lift a couple of the non-gameplay elements from modern WoW, Specifically the overhaul to the character models to make them prettier, and hand-in-hand, I heart my transmogging and would love to allow collecting those looks at lvl 60 be made viable (without the masses and stacks of bank room being used up by mats you need to just go to a dungeon in Classic). In any case I do hope there are plans post final phase, given the world we live in for the effort/time we have made with our lvl 60 this time round, it would be nice to have new challenges and change-ups to actually look forward to.
So do we need WoW Classic? Based on my grumpy contrarian ramblings above: all we are getting is a non-updated game intended for private server veterans and content creators that due to its time sink qualities will mostly be inaccessible to the commitment-laden nostalgia crowd that actually want to wallow about there!
What is the pull to bring people back and, and then stay back? I am fully a part of the mid-life-crisis-got-commitments-nostalgia crowd, I got shit I need to do! I actually spend my evenings with loved ones rather than skulking in "my mom's basement". I cook food rather than picking away at luke-warm kebab on a Molten Core run etc etc. So why should I look forward to a game known to be a time-sink when I can a similar dopamine hit from Retail or even just any other game.
Jesus fucking hell, Richie Who's a Debbie Downer!
Ha, well unfortunately much of the above is true and quite honestly when this was announced, I immediately thought and realised this was going to be hyped behind a lot of rose-tinted glasses and to echo my parting statement from this post after the announcement, I was always going to play it, just to dip my toe-in at the very least. WoW was arduous, it was not an easy game. And I had to ask myself a few hard questions like:
Why do I want to play that grind again?
Can I find the time to play again?
Do I even want a faithful recreation of that game from 15 years ago?
What do I want from another WoW experience!?
And Boom! that was the question that re-ignited my passion to play!
Personally I love the Paladin class, I played my Blood Elf Paladin at from the first expansion onwards, but in WoW I (badly) played a Mage. I think what I want from WoW Classic is...
Drum roll...
...wait for it...
...
"Redemption"
...
...
... geddit? Cuz redemption is the name of a paladin spell?...
...Fine whatever, geez...
I want to experience the original paladin or play WoW Paladin: Classic Flavour. I wanna do the Paladin Horsey quests (at least the alliance version), I want to do the multitude of Paladin-ish quests in the game, the Scarlet Monasteries and the Scarlet Crusade through Hearthglen, and on to getting Exhalted with the Argent Dawn. And so I realised that I have almost set myself a Goal, a path to go through the game with My goal will simply be lvl 60 hitting the iconic Paladin quests along the way.
![]()
As much as I have had a grumble about what WoW classic is and if we need it, but it cannot be denied that when WoW came out it was so impactful on everything (media, games, etc), and perhaps this resurgence of Classic can rekindle some of what sparked that zeitgeist.
Wow is old, and that cant be denied, just have a look at her face, her non existent nose, and the world is the same, jagged polygonal models, scenery with seams etc etc. However most of the time it can be very beautiful, Each zone has a different flavour, musical theme, and atmosphere, and its hard to any parallels that rival this even today. And it's Huge, yes you can argue that today its huger, with all of the additional zones being added in, but in all actuality because of the addition of flying mounts the world is just so much smaller.
Recently I had a chat with Thatguyer, Doppelganger, discussing about how that leap from 16-bit to 3D was so impressive and awe-inspiring, but nowadays you can almost feel like you are just playing an N64/PS1 game, just with smoother graphics. What is the next leap in games? Where do we go from here? logically it should have been VR/AR, but is too much of an ask for the consumer, despite it being forced into our eyesockets. I would argue that mainstream MMO machine of WoW was a leap at that time, moving to online play but at the same time generating community spirit was a massive turning point for games. The traction it gained led the way for the online console experiences and ultimately the community based games we see dominating the Twitch-osphere. Is there more that revisiting this monolith can change/teach the new generation of people who think playing computer games is a job?
As the hype-train has been getting ever closer to its destination, I have had to change my news-getting methods, where I used to haunt/feature on WoW Insider, it is now a shadow of it's former self. I have been looking to Podcasts, Reddit and even joined Discord. In particular I wanna give a shout out to countdowntoclassic.com and a big shout out to the shows host Josh on @count2classic who has kept the hype train running with interviews with Class leaders, the original designers and generally great WoW Classic content! It has been a bit part of what is making me excited about Classic!
Anyways right, I guess see you in Azeroth?
Love and Seal, Judge, Rave, Repeat.
Richie X
*Grownups absolutely use the word grownups, we're definitely not three cats in a trench coat, fake nose, glasses and a hat. No sir.
There is a swell of hype in niche pockets of the Internet as people get more and more excited for the launch of World of Warcraft Classic. But why? Why is there the familiar toot-toot of the hype-train on the horizon for a product that is over a decade old, has a newer shinier iteration currently out and available to play, and a product that held marmite-like, positive and negative criticism when it was out.
Just to clear things up I have bought my ticket (ed: and a train drivers hat, matching t-shirt, undies and socks and the special edition coke cans) and I am on the hype train! I am genuinely looking forward to Classic, but my goals and approach are going to be massively different to it, as will it be for much of the community. So I'm gonna play a little bit of devils advocate here...
Upon launch many, many people will just be diving in for the pure nostalgia of the game, and very few of us will (ed: should) spend the amount of time and effort that we previously had done in the original WoW. Especially since because of our demographic, most of us are now grownups* with grownup commitments.
Being an adult aside, and just comparing current WoW and Classic WoW, part of what I have seen about why Classic has such a following, it that current WoW (retail) sees a bit of backlash in regard to how it plays nowadays, it is considered "dumbed down", the game has streamlined, homogenised, and refined itself to large degree making interaction minimal, levelling, dungeoning and raiding are all infinitely more accessible, and faster. The game has become easier, where, in classic, you would have to learn an individual enemy boars moves so you know how to kill him before he killed you, now you kill several boars, and don't even have time to read what moves it did on you. Where you used to chat to your guildmates or just general chat and group together and adventure your way to a dungeon, it has now been replaced by a couple of button presses followed by a teleport to the dungeon entrance. In short the game has become more of an action fantasy RPG, than an MMORPG.
This is in part Echoed by my friend and fellow WoW classic returnee Joldrath:
That being said, as we are all grownups* with grown up commitments, is Retail actually just the game we need for our hectic lives?! Is it WoW for adults? The game is so refined that it now sectioned off up into bitesize chunks, rather than the infamous 16-hour junk food stuffing, poop-socking sessions.
As with most things on the Internets nowadays, hype lives in a bubble, and a select few loud voices are the ones that get heard. Does Classic exist just for these voices? Does this only exist for private server people? Is it just for streamers?
The private server community and the streamers go hand in hand and the tin foil hat theory is that Blizzard just wanna cash in on this... Private servers have been running for years, and streamers sit on their ad revenue, when Blizz ain't even getting a subscription. Will Classic just be a way to regulate private servers will it be World of Warcraft: public private server edition. Probably. The thing is the WoW from 2004 did not have the influencer/content-creator machine to work with, but it did have a lot more eccentricities, character builds and fun to be had in that fashion, that in all honestly it is going to be a great place for content creation! 15 minute bites of "Look at this build kill this thing" or "10 Paladins take down Ragnaros". But is that the reason the folks diving into nostalgia want to play it again? Probably not.
For me, part of the nostalgia was that this game was emerging, new builds were coming out, people discussed strategies and new patches brought all sorts of shenanigans with them. WoW was a sandbox playground allowing for meta-gaming of all kinds and involving everyone in the community. With WoW Classic we are getting the final patch of WoW, we are getting "phases" where content is opening up but nothing more, and I think that may be a drop off point for a lot of people, "what's next" is very much a thing in WoW hence the plethora of patches, content and expansions that's essentially kept WoW going and with a few other games created the Games as a Service Hellscape we now live in. What we are getting is a little slice of life, a snapshot of WoW as it existed for maybe a few months (?) and a few things will cycle around it. Yeah, don't worry, I hear myself "Finally, WoW Classic, what's next?", but that is definitely a thing, and I'm sure it's not just me, I wonder what the hook will be to keep people on if there is nothing around the corner... or is there?
One hot topic is, what will happen after the phases? simply a reset and start the phases again? there is debate that based on it's success will Blizz just dive into The Burning Crusade and so on... Or it is also speculated that there could be some horizontal development continuing development but keeping the lvl 60 WoW classic experience, Could we see Death knights join us at lvl 60 or could we see Paladins on the horde side? Maybe some pandas could join the fight? Could we see tweaking to see viable Ret-lol DPS?!?? There was also a suggestion that WoW Classic could potentially enter seasonal play, akin to that of Diablo 3 with buffs and effects and such at lvl 60, changing up gameplay. Personally I would love to lift a couple of the non-gameplay elements from modern WoW, Specifically the overhaul to the character models to make them prettier, and hand-in-hand, I heart my transmogging and would love to allow collecting those looks at lvl 60 be made viable (without the masses and stacks of bank room being used up by mats you need to just go to a dungeon in Classic). In any case I do hope there are plans post final phase, given the world we live in for the effort/time we have made with our lvl 60 this time round, it would be nice to have new challenges and change-ups to actually look forward to.
So do we need WoW Classic? Based on my grumpy contrarian ramblings above: all we are getting is a non-updated game intended for private server veterans and content creators that due to its time sink qualities will mostly be inaccessible to the commitment-laden nostalgia crowd that actually want to wallow about there!
What is the pull to bring people back and, and then stay back? I am fully a part of the mid-life-crisis-got-commitments-nostalgia crowd, I got shit I need to do! I actually spend my evenings with loved ones rather than skulking in "my mom's basement". I cook food rather than picking away at luke-warm kebab on a Molten Core run etc etc. So why should I look forward to a game known to be a time-sink when I can a similar dopamine hit from Retail or even just any other game.
Jesus fucking hell, Richie Who's a Debbie Downer!
Ha, well unfortunately much of the above is true and quite honestly when this was announced, I immediately thought and realised this was going to be hyped behind a lot of rose-tinted glasses and to echo my parting statement from this post after the announcement, I was always going to play it, just to dip my toe-in at the very least. WoW was arduous, it was not an easy game. And I had to ask myself a few hard questions like:
Why do I want to play that grind again?
Can I find the time to play again?
Do I even want a faithful recreation of that game from 15 years ago?
What do I want from another WoW experience!?
And Boom! that was the question that re-ignited my passion to play!
Personally I love the Paladin class, I played my Blood Elf Paladin at from the first expansion onwards, but in WoW I (badly) played a Mage. I think what I want from WoW Classic is...
Drum roll...
...wait for it...
...
"Redemption"
...
...
... geddit? Cuz redemption is the name of a paladin spell?...
...Fine whatever, geez...
I want to experience the original paladin or play WoW Paladin: Classic Flavour. I wanna do the Paladin Horsey quests (at least the alliance version), I want to do the multitude of Paladin-ish quests in the game, the Scarlet Monasteries and the Scarlet Crusade through Hearthglen, and on to getting Exhalted with the Argent Dawn. And so I realised that I have almost set myself a Goal, a path to go through the game with My goal will simply be lvl 60 hitting the iconic Paladin quests along the way.
As much as I have had a grumble about what WoW classic is and if we need it, but it cannot be denied that when WoW came out it was so impactful on everything (media, games, etc), and perhaps this resurgence of Classic can rekindle some of what sparked that zeitgeist.
Wow is old, and that cant be denied, just have a look at her face, her non existent nose, and the world is the same, jagged polygonal models, scenery with seams etc etc. However most of the time it can be very beautiful, Each zone has a different flavour, musical theme, and atmosphere, and its hard to any parallels that rival this even today. And it's Huge, yes you can argue that today its huger, with all of the additional zones being added in, but in all actuality because of the addition of flying mounts the world is just so much smaller.
Recently I had a chat with Thatguyer, Doppelganger, discussing about how that leap from 16-bit to 3D was so impressive and awe-inspiring, but nowadays you can almost feel like you are just playing an N64/PS1 game, just with smoother graphics. What is the next leap in games? Where do we go from here? logically it should have been VR/AR, but is too much of an ask for the consumer, despite it being forced into our eyesockets. I would argue that mainstream MMO machine of WoW was a leap at that time, moving to online play but at the same time generating community spirit was a massive turning point for games. The traction it gained led the way for the online console experiences and ultimately the community based games we see dominating the Twitch-osphere. Is there more that revisiting this monolith can change/teach the new generation of people who think playing computer games is a job?
As the hype-train has been getting ever closer to its destination, I have had to change my news-getting methods, where I used to haunt/feature on WoW Insider, it is now a shadow of it's former self. I have been looking to Podcasts, Reddit and even joined Discord. In particular I wanna give a shout out to countdowntoclassic.com and a big shout out to the shows host Josh on @count2classic who has kept the hype train running with interviews with Class leaders, the original designers and generally great WoW Classic content! It has been a bit part of what is making me excited about Classic!
Anyways right, I guess see you in Azeroth?
Love and Seal, Judge, Rave, Repeat.
Richie X
*Grownups absolutely use the word grownups, we're definitely not three cats in a trench coat, fake nose, glasses and a hat. No sir.
↧
On the Faces of WoW
Yo,
WoW's Character creator is shit. Just putting that one out there. Don't get me wrong the initial models are fine, but when it comes to customisation of the actual character its pretty fucking limited. especially when you compare it to the multitude of slider scale options seen in other games. Curiously not much has really changed on this even in today's iteration of WoW.
So lets jump into it. I am just going to mention a few of the races and the more iconic looks. If you, gentle reader, feel that there are looks missing that is because the looks are so fucking bland and indistinguishable that they are not even worth mentioning.
Foresaken Male, is actually probably the best in terms of "individuality" i.e different looking from one male foresaken to the next.
Troll Males...
Trolls are solidly my favourite race but yeah pretty shit options:
Orcs, ah orcs! staple of the Warcraft Series they are bound to have some good customizations right? Wrong, several shades of green and some pretty ugly faces!
Onto the Ladies, Just a quick on on the Ladies of WoW I do get a bit grumpy about their customization options, where make counterparts in the most part get to pay with facial hair and the size of their tusks, the women get "piercings", earrings or in a couple of cases a nose-ring, which given the quality of those models is barely fucking noticeable, bullshit #metoo
Female Orcs, Back to Orcs! and it's the same story!
Female Undeads, best for last, this is my favorite for change spectrum, you can go from freshly dead (ed: still warm?) to Fully decayed... Nice
Crowning glory the full night of the living dead skullface model, you know you wanna rock this look
As I mentioned I have deliberately left off the more generic or ordinary looking customizations, and as you can see from above there is barely any alliance, Sorry but the hoard definitely has more 'character' the alliance has 3 very 'human' races Human, Dwarf, Gnome which are just humans of varying degrees of sizes (some of the skins are repeated over these races!) And you have the Night elves left over, and short of some being pink and some being blue, they all look very generic there is very little in the way of interesting there.
TBH i am not a fan of the alliance, but since my beloved Paladins only exist there, I guess i'm stuck with different sized humans and purple Sesame Street characters.
Love and Taurens are fucking boring,
Richie X
↧
↧
Countdown to Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield
We've not been this excited for a new game for a while. Yes, there are National Dex(or lack thereof) 'woes' but we can't wait to jump into a new region, on the big screen, we're relatively spoiler free and there seems to be a tonne of quality of life improvements including, finally, thankfully being able to change natures of pokémon (easy mode though?).
Will the open fields and valleys actually be open? Will the end game content be more Alpha Sapphire/Omega Ruby or X/Y? Will the new additions to the pokédex end up as fan favourites or niche beasts? Has Omastar made it in?
Funny how games can sometimes still get us like this.
↧
TGAM: Our Games of 2019
A.K.A it's 1998 again, A.K.A Richie and Cunzy's gaming tastes are so on the beaten track that there's a well worn runnel slap bang in the middle of the beaten track, the very beaten track if you like, and that's the only place we'll ever walk. Apologies to all those indies, new IPs, unique genres and innovative games we're only playing stuff we know, stuff we played already, remasters, re-releases and sequels. Looking through the games of 2019 I made myself actual chunder with how boringly quotidian our games list was going to be. We apologise to both of you in advance.
IT WAS ALSO A BUMPER FUCKING YEAR FOR GAMES. It's like 1998 again. The Switch is the new PlayStation and we've not been excited for """"""new""""" releases like this for a long time. I think we picked up almost all of these on launch day and it's been a long time since a year has inspired us to do that. In no apparent order:
Resident Evil 2 (Cunzy & Richie)
Cunzy: You know when you want something for so long that your expectations are built up so much that the reality can never really live up to the hype. We were practically done with the Resident Evil 2 remaster or whatever you may call it before it came out. Surely, it won't be good. Well it was good and a perfect mix of nostalgia and update. There was something strangely refreshing too about a game that was done in just a few hours. It ended. You played it because you wanted to not because the daily logins or sub fees or challenges or endless levelling sucked you back in. I went through 3/4 campaigns in quick succession but have to admit barely touched all the extra stuff they added afterwards. It seemed to really strike a chord with players though who were quickly speed running and smashing the shit out of that game. Likely one I'll return to again and again over the years. Didn't include the line about "That guy's a maniac" though so 2/10 overall.
Richie:
PC Mods a reminder that human beings cant have nice things:
DMC V (Richie)
Devil May Cry is all you could want in a Devil may cry game and more, the addition of V as a a character was amazing, ignoring the DMC Ninja other universe thing. The "plot" was "good" as good as a mindless demon slaying excuse can get. Surprisingly nice was the game had Zero monetization, "Here have a game, there are different difficulties, and a battle tower, enjoy", you can buy unlockables such as alt colours you would get if you poured several hundred hours into the game.
The whole family is back and more, and also another feverent reminder that human beings cant have nice things:
Tetris 99 (Cunzy)
It's fucking Tetris. Excellent theme remix. Grateful for the extra modes. Despite what I just said up above in relation to Resident Evil 2, all the continued Games As A Service stuff has got me logging in to 'unlock that skin' or 'try new modes' only to re-emerge 4 hours later with sore thumbs and bloodshot eyes. Fucking great. I just wish I could get old man Richie to understand how the Tetris 99 online worked so he'd give it a fighting chance. (Richie: Tetris is not an online game, never was, it was on a gameboy and that was my last interaction with it tetris 99 is an abomination, jumping on the battle royale bandwagon)
Final Fantasy VII (Richie and Cunzy)
Richie: Arguably one of the first time sinks in video games, yeas sure you can "complete" the game in 30ish hours, but If you wanna get those Ruby and Emerald Weapons killeded you need to sink waaaay more into that. Initially we were not fussed about this release but a brief ill advised soiree, into the podcast Castle super Beast got us hyped for it, even if we were just furious at one of the "presenters" having some rather pervy memories about how some of that shit when down. (Spoilers: Cloud did not do Tifa doggy style while everyone watched)
Cunzy1 1: The music still gets us, unintuitively the pre-rendered backgrounds with Tekken block characters hold up today and we can play it on the go, skip random battles and take snapshots and short clips? I'll see you in 7th Heaven.
Fire Emblem: Three Houses (Cunzy)
Fire Emblem with Harry Potter where you're put in a position of power over rainbow-haired murderous teens? What. Could go wrong?
Pokemon Sword and Shield (Cunzy and Richie)
Continuing the Pokemon domination our lives, leaving our partners ever concerned at the growing amount of time spent on it, never mind the merchandise that continues to creep into our homes. Don't even start on our search histories. In short, dexit was over-hyped. game good.
WoW Classic (Richie)
Ref TGAM 2004-2008: RIP Richie's interaction with other games:
Return of the Obra Dinn (Cunzy)
An indie game? Yes but before you bust my chops for wearing moccasins with no socks to the community jazz jam, this is one of those games that everyone and their dog (the PC folk) was fawning over for a whole year before it got ported to a proper gaming system. I mean, they were right. It's fantastic. A glorious little self contained package of sweetness unlike anything else out there and in no need of sequelising, remixing, updating or any of that nonsense. It's one of those "if you say anything you've said too much about it" games though so just trust me.
Gal Gun 2 (Nobody)
Richie: What we never, no Idea what you are talking about...
Cunzy1 1: What, that game where you shoot schoolgirls in the tits and biff to rid them of horny trolls and get them to calm the fuck down? Never heard of it.
↧
Pokémon Sword and Shield Pokédex- who is in and who is out?
Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield are out, and have been for a while and although the Official That Guy's A Maniac Review(tm) has yet to come out, suffice to say we've both ploughed a heckuva lot of hours into it, especially the online components and it's good. It's very good. However, before we take a deeper dive in a review let's look at who made the final cut. We wrote about 'Dexit' in the run up to release but now the games are out let's take a look at who is in and who is out.
A bit of SPOILERS housekeeping first, we won't be talking about any of the new pokémon just which ones of the first 809 made the cut but there are some minor spoilers about pokémon with new forms so if you're still keeping yourself clean, look away now.
Here's a handy chart of who is in and who is out at the time of writing. Look at it in amazement/despair. If you've ever played and liked a previous pokémon game, there's bound to be at least one or two you're astounded to see didn't make it in. Some codey fiddlers have discovered that it looks like a few more will be available over time and when Pokémon Home eventually releases but for the time being we're just talking about what's available in-game now.
White squares means they're out, green means they're in and dark green means they've got a Galar new form. We'll be taking it in turns to pour several out for our lost pocket friends. You can play along at home by printing out this handy chart and crossing them off as we go!
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Richie: Only 400 made it this gen, including new ones. meaning over half have been culled including my bae, Lopunny! my oversexualised female pokemon team will never be realised in Sword/Shield :( apparently Pikachu killed her, skinned her and is now wearing her skin a la Silence of the Lambs
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Cunzy1 1: ALL THE FOSSILS ARE OUT! Yes. They were annoying version exclusives. Yes, they were annoying to breed as shinies. Yes, archeops' ability is debilitating. Rock types have suffered a significant loss. This is an affront to God. Is THIS the end of the road for Omastar?
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Richie: I think I will miss Klefki, of all the beauty-and-the-beast-esque inanimate objects brought to life I feel best about that priority move busting key ring.
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Cunzy1 1: Rip in peace pink fatties- jiggs 'n' wiggs, chansey 'n' bliss, lick'n'lik, miltank even alomomola. I guess we'll have to get our big exp boosts somewhere else. Extra sad to see jigglypuff not make the cut. Rest now puff, rest now. You've earned it.
Richie: All of the Box fodder Legendaries, Mythologicals, and Ultrabeasts. Like you all know that using these are cheaty, and regardless of how many times you soft reset the game to favourable stats, does not justify their viability... plus Quite happy not to have to find 3 legendary birds/dogs/coconuts/dogs whatever again and again ad nausium
Cunzy1 1: Also out, most of those rubbish bug types, grass two stagers and that pigeon and that rat one from most of the games. Goodbye venomoth, masquerain, happy butterfree, sad butterfree, that wormadam one and gosh we can't be bothered with forms anymore vivillon. As for the grass types bellend, hiphop anonymous, sunkist, punchy mushroom, other cactus man, venus flytrap man, bug blanket, grass monkey, flower lady and other other flower lady is gone. We shan't mourn ya. As for rattata, fat rat, beaver rat, eye rat, trump rat, pigeon, other pigeon, other other pigeon, other other pigeon are out. The pigeon pigeon is still in however and zigzag rat gets some love.
A bit of SPOILERS housekeeping first, we won't be talking about any of the new pokémon just which ones of the first 809 made the cut but there are some minor spoilers about pokémon with new forms so if you're still keeping yourself clean, look away now.
Here's a handy chart of who is in and who is out at the time of writing. Look at it in amazement/despair. If you've ever played and liked a previous pokémon game, there's bound to be at least one or two you're astounded to see didn't make it in. Some codey fiddlers have discovered that it looks like a few more will be available over time and when Pokémon Home eventually releases but for the time being we're just talking about what's available in-game now.
White squares means they're out, green means they're in and dark green means they've got a Galar new form. We'll be taking it in turns to pour several out for our lost pocket friends. You can play along at home by printing out this handy chart and crossing them off as we go!
Who Deed?
Cunzy1 1: Right let's get the biggie out of the way first. None of the starters apart from the Charizard line are in this game. Personally, it doesn't break my heart, especially all the shite dual typers but I can understand that a lot of people will mourn the 'mon they started their whole pokémon adventure with not being in this game.Richie: Only 400 made it this gen, including new ones. meaning over half have been culled including my bae, Lopunny! my oversexualised female pokemon team will never be realised in Sword/Shield :( apparently Pikachu killed her, skinned her and is now wearing her skin a la Silence of the Lambs
"Would you Thundershock me?, I'd Thundershock me?"
*tucks genitals between legs*
Cunzy1 1: ALL THE FOSSILS ARE OUT! Yes. They were annoying version exclusives. Yes, they were annoying to breed as shinies. Yes, archeops' ability is debilitating. Rock types have suffered a significant loss. This is an affront to God. Is THIS the end of the road for Omastar?
Richie: I think I will miss Klefki, of all the beauty-and-the-beast-esque inanimate objects brought to life I feel best about that priority move busting key ring.
Cunzy1 1: Rip in peace pink fatties- jiggs 'n' wiggs, chansey 'n' bliss, lick'n'lik, miltank even alomomola. I guess we'll have to get our big exp boosts somewhere else. Extra sad to see jigglypuff not make the cut. Rest now puff, rest now. You've earned it.
Richie: All of the Box fodder Legendaries, Mythologicals, and Ultrabeasts. Like you all know that using these are cheaty, and regardless of how many times you soft reset the game to favourable stats, does not justify their viability... plus Quite happy not to have to find 3 legendary birds/dogs/coconuts/dogs whatever again and again ad nausium
Cunzy1 1: Also out, most of those rubbish bug types, grass two stagers and that pigeon and that rat one from most of the games. Goodbye venomoth, masquerain, happy butterfree, sad butterfree, that wormadam one and gosh we can't be bothered with forms anymore vivillon. As for the grass types bellend, hiphop anonymous, sunkist, punchy mushroom, other cactus man, venus flytrap man, bug blanket, grass monkey, flower lady and other other flower lady is gone. We shan't mourn ya. As for rattata, fat rat, beaver rat, eye rat, trump rat, pigeon, other pigeon, other other pigeon, other other pigeon are out. The pigeon pigeon is still in however and zigzag rat gets some love.
Who Not Deed?
Cunzy1 1: Gen fucking five that's who. Look at that chunk of green. We all know it's the worst generation right? Right?
Richie: Thank fuck Musharna is in! I was so worried we wouldn't have the foetus pokemon. But I guess cutting it means that Gamefreak are Pro-Lifers. Scum.
Cunzy1 1: Someone at NintendoPokemonCompanyGameFreak hates rock types this is 100% proof nobody can deny it, if they do they are a liar too. If you had to write down a list of the best rock types ranked best at the top and worst at the bottom and then choose the bottom half to put in this game you'd get the sol duo, sudowoodo, shuckle, corsola, onix and crustle and nobody can argue with me and I'm empirically right and tyrannitar is okay I guess and I like barbaracle but plenty don't. Crustle is fine.
Richie: Gamefreak like to thrust their eevee phallus in you, all 15 million of them. Eevee is forced down our throats and into the spotlight as their flavour of the weak PoI. Obnoxiously very little has changed short of getting a dynamax form if you have the Let's Go save file on your switch, same Evos... a let down.
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Cunzy1 1: Basculin. Good ol' basculin.
Richie: Right, to be honest there is no end to the mon's we can see that made the cut, mediocre rarely used, super un-viable 'mons that have just lived in the shadow of a 'mon that just did it better for generations. Who asked for Beheeyem? It definitely felt that the top tier mons have been removed, bye Dragonite, Bye Salamence. Does this mean more balance to the force? Will we see NU move to OU, or just have teh OU decimate, (glances at Gyrados)...
Remember to like and subscribe, donate on Ko-Fi, and on Patreon, remember that triple diamond subscribers get special scratch and sniff calendars with pictures of us using our latest sponsored sex toys we use whilst dressed up as latest meme characters from video games in between streams to pay the bills,. The perfect Xmas gift for all the family. 1's in the chat if you are getting one for your granny.
Richie: Stunfisk... Wow the forme change nobody asked for, and Mr Mime, he's different but equally as detestable, good work.
Cunzy1 1: Furry-bait pokemon took a big hit but fear not, linoone and a new long tongued emo badger evolution will be the subject of badly drawn fan art for centuries to come.
Richie: Lets deep dive in to old knobby baws Darmantian. Why does this exist, like before it kinna made sense it was based on a Daruma doll, but now its a snowman.. I.. I just dont like this design, I cant get on board with it.
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Cunzy1 1: Okay, I'm well aware I was just slagging corsola off up there but the new form is fantastic. Great idea as a climate revenge pokémon. Poignant even.
Richie: Cofagrigus, my favorite defendy-baws annoyer. He has a new forme where he has become a slab of rock with a "rune" on it, sure lets just give him Ground typing... that will ...*squints eyes*... make him ..*raises pitch*... better?
Cunzy1 1: Farfetch'd. New form, same old no viability.
Richie: Dunsparce, you know we all heard the rumors, of forme changes and/or Dunsparce evolutions. But alas no 'sparce-ing for us this game *sad dunsparce face*
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Richie: Thank fuck Musharna is in! I was so worried we wouldn't have the foetus pokemon. But I guess cutting it means that Gamefreak are Pro-Lifers. Scum.
Cunzy1 1: Someone at NintendoPokemonCompanyGameFreak hates rock types this is 100% proof nobody can deny it, if they do they are a liar too. If you had to write down a list of the best rock types ranked best at the top and worst at the bottom and then choose the bottom half to put in this game you'd get the sol duo, sudowoodo, shuckle, corsola, onix and crustle and nobody can argue with me and I'm empirically right and tyrannitar is okay I guess and I like barbaracle but plenty don't. Crustle is fine.
Richie: Gamefreak like to thrust their eevee phallus in you, all 15 million of them. Eevee is forced down our throats and into the spotlight as their flavour of the weak PoI. Obnoxiously very little has changed short of getting a dynamax form if you have the Let's Go save file on your switch, same Evos... a let down.
Cunzy1 1: Basculin. Good ol' basculin.
Richie: Right, to be honest there is no end to the mon's we can see that made the cut, mediocre rarely used, super un-viable 'mons that have just lived in the shadow of a 'mon that just did it better for generations. Who asked for Beheeyem? It definitely felt that the top tier mons have been removed, bye Dragonite, Bye Salamence. Does this mean more balance to the force? Will we see NU move to OU, or just have teh OU decimate, (glances at Gyrados)...
Remember to like and subscribe, donate on Ko-Fi, and on Patreon, remember that triple diamond subscribers get special scratch and sniff calendars with pictures of us using our latest sponsored sex toys we use whilst dressed up as latest meme characters from video games in between streams to pay the bills,. The perfect Xmas gift for all the family. 1's in the chat if you are getting one for your granny.
Who Different?
Cunzy1 1: If you ever meet someone who says "Gosh darn it I'd love it if meowth had four forms, two evolutions and one of those evolutions had two forms" that person is ill. That person is sick and likely has ingested poison. Brain processing poison. But in their dying moments, they'd be happy with the 'pikachu treatment' this line is getting though and presumably they'll be spending a significant chunk of their playtime deciding who the sixth pokémon on their nothing but meowth team would be. I'm just joking, it would be a shiny meowth or meowth evolution.Richie: Stunfisk... Wow the forme change nobody asked for, and Mr Mime, he's different but equally as detestable, good work.
Cunzy1 1: Furry-bait pokemon took a big hit but fear not, linoone and a new long tongued emo badger evolution will be the subject of badly drawn fan art for centuries to come.
Richie: Lets deep dive in to old knobby baws Darmantian. Why does this exist, like before it kinna made sense it was based on a Daruma doll, but now its a snowman.. I.. I just dont like this design, I cant get on board with it.
Cunzy1 1: Okay, I'm well aware I was just slagging corsola off up there but the new form is fantastic. Great idea as a climate revenge pokémon. Poignant even.
Richie: Cofagrigus, my favorite defendy-baws annoyer. He has a new forme where he has become a slab of rock with a "rune" on it, sure lets just give him Ground typing... that will ...*squints eyes*... make him ..*raises pitch*... better?
Cunzy1 1: Farfetch'd. New form, same old no viability.
Richie: Dunsparce, you know we all heard the rumors, of forme changes and/or Dunsparce evolutions. But alas no 'sparce-ing for us this game *sad dunsparce face*
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Top 50 games of the decade: A commentary
While looking for images of anthropomorphized versions of the new pokemon with their tits out, we stumbled upon some clickbait. Not just any clickbait, metacritic showing us a definitive fact based, unbiased top 50 games of the 2010's:
1. Super Mario Galaxy 2 (Wii, 2010) 97
2. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (Switch, 2017) 97
3. Red Dead Redemption 2 (PlayStation 4, 2018) 97
4. Grand Theft Auto V (PlayStation 4, 2014) 97
5. Super Mario Odyssey (Switch, 2017) 97
6. Mass Effect 2 (Xbox 360, 2010) 96
7. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (Xbox 360, 2011) 96
8. The Last of Us (PlayStation 3, 2013) 95
9. The Last of Us Remastered (PlayStation 4, 2014) 95
10. Red Dead Redemption (Xbox 360, 2010) 95
11. Portal 2 (Xbox 360, 2011) 95
12. God of War (PlayStation 4, 2018) 94
13. Batman: Arkham City (Xbox 360, 2011) 94
14. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (3DS, 2011) 94
15. BioShock Infinite (PC, 2013) 94
16. Pac-Man Championship Edition DX (Xbox 360, 2010) 93
17. Divinity: Original Sin II (PC, 2017) 93
18. Super Mario 3D World (Wii U, 2013) 93
19. Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty (PC, 2010) 93
20. Persona 4 Golden (PlayStation Vita, 2012) 93
21. Persona 5 (PlayStation 4, 2017) 93
22. Mass Effect 3 (Xbox 360, 2012) 93
23. Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain (PlayStation 4, 2015) 93
24. The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (Wii, 2011) 93
25. Rock Band 3 (Xbox 360, 2010) 93
26. Uncharted 4: A Thief's End (PlayStation 4, 2016) 93
27. Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (Switch, 2018) 93
28. INSIDE (Xbox One, 2016) 93
29. Forza Horizon 4 (Xbox One, 2018) 92
30. God of War III (PlayStation 3, 2010) 92
31. Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception (PlayStation 3, 2011) 92
32. Bloodborne (PlayStation 4, 2015) 92
33. Celeste (Switch, 2018) 92
34. Super Street Fighter IV (PlayStation 3, 2010) 92
35. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt (PlayStation 4, 2015) 92
36. Undertale (PC, 2015) 92
37. Fire Emblem: Awakening (3DS, 2013) 92
38. Divinity: Original Sin II - Definitive Edition (PlayStation 4, 2018) 92
39. Super Smash Bros. for Wii U (Wii U, 2014) 92
40. Journey (PlayStation 3, 2012) 92
41. Xenoblade Chronicles (Wii, 2012) 92
42. Mario Kart 8 Deluxe (Switch, 2017) 92
43. The ICO & Shadow of the Colossus Collection (PlayStation 3, 2011) 92
44. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt - Blood and Wine (PC, 2016) 92
45. LittleBigPlanet 2 (PlayStation 3, 2011) 91
46. Overwatch (PC, 2016) 91
47. Bayonetta 2 (Wii U, 2014) 91
48. Forza Horizon 3 (Xbox One, 2016) 91
49. Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers (PC, 2019) 91
50. Dragon Quest XI S: Echoes of an Elusive Age - Definitive Edition (Switch, 2019)
Richie:
I LIEK THE DUBBLE ONES!
- The Last of Us x2
- Divinity: Original Sin II x2
Cunzy: Now, we all know the issues with a crowd sourced list. It's dumb. It's like putting together a list of best fruit, or favourite socks. However, every now and then it's useful to pull the wang out to measure it against the communities' wang and see just how weird and misshapen our is (we share genital appendages) by comparison.
Play count: 9! What an alternative darling I am!
Richie: I mean they are great, and you know they will be, but you have to draw the line somewhere, So you have to choose and say, "Nah I wont play this", better the time sink you know, right?
And you choose your reasons, you skim an article, and find the thing that is slightly wrong and then activate your inner drama queen to say "OMG that is not a game I want to play I cant believe they dont have Fred Durst doing the voice of the main character" or something equally nuts. And there is plenty of them on that list that I simply refuse to play for these reasons. And I guess that's fine? Time is finite, I cant go back ten years and play all of the PS3 games I never played? Can I?
Cunzy: GUILTY CONFESSIONS, A.K.A those games you know are great but just never got around to: Mario Odyssey, LoZ (the whole franchise), Red Dead (series), Mass Effect (series), Persona (series), Divinity (series), Souls (series)... where do I hand my gamer card back?
Richie: Also Overwatch... Do people actually play it, or is that there just because people fiddle with their genitalia to fund cosplay camgirls?
Cunzy: Yes, watch me throat this widowmaker dildo on my stream now.
Richie: So do we disagree with this list? Well, to be fucking honest I'm not going to research it myself, I'm not sure I have played much more than 50 games this year, as far as i can recall, I played a lot of Diablo 3 and Fallout/Skyrim... but yeah I'm sure the above is good... Actually fuck that, Games of the decade for me are...
- Every iteration of pokemon that came out in the last 10 years, X/Y, Sun/Moon, Black/White, Sword/Shield, Flaps/Scrotum.
- Skyrim SNOW VIKING DRAGON SHOUTING
- Animal Crossing, Shake the tree for Nook.
- Lego Everything, play, collect, repeat
- Hyperdimensions Neptunia. Ultra Japanese anthropomorphised consoles as Anime girls. Vert is best Waifu.
- Fallouts So many plus expansions, Chandler as a bad guy is special.
- Diablo 3, Clicky loot loot
- WoW Classic, because...
- FFXIII-2, Timetravel-bocolina
- Tomodatchi Life, Make your friends on the DS into miis, interact with them, cry alone at night
- Smash Bros. Repeatedly main Peach till she becomes top tier, yaay
- Jackbox games, All Gems, probably the best multiplayer gaming actually this decade.
- Doki Doki Literature Club, MO-NI-KA
- Batmanzes, grapple glide
- Southparkgames, play the stories you have watched and add a weak RPG element.
- Dragon Ages-s, Way better than mass effect
- Every Naruto game. Like lego, but with anime ninjas
- Barrel Scrape: the game, where you frantically look at your steam collection for the games you have most played, and check the dates of your 360 games to see if they fall into this category
Cunzy: *gasps for air*, wipes synthetic jizz from Lollipop Chainsaw skirt. Ten years is a long time. Here's my top 18 games of the decade.
- Silent Hill Shattered Memories 2010 Silent Hill without the combat and all the more psychologically chilling because of it. Great setting, theme and story. One I regularly come back to and still brick myself.
- Endless Ocean 2 2010 Expanding on the first one in every way, shame there aren't more nature lovin' games in this ilk.
- Monster Hunter Tri 2010 The only one in the series to have kept my attention despite it being the 'wrong one' according to many in the MH community.
- Lost Planet 2 2010 Probably one of the games with the most comprehensive couch co-op mode and ridiculous bosses to team up against. Absolutely bonkers story, giant monsters and jetpacks. What more do you need?
- Dead Rising 2 2010 I wasn't too bothered with DR3 and DR4 despite absolutely loving the first game. They seem to have crossed the line between goofy but po-faced and just silly apocalypse zombie killing. DR2 arguably gives you a playground more memorable than Willamette and stays on the 'serious' side.
- Dead Space 2 2011 One of my favourite gaming franchises I think, excellently built world that is complemented by the tie in anime, comics and spin-off games.
- Resident Evil Revelations 2012 It was a good decade for Resident Evil with almost every game seeing multiple ports, re-releases and remasters. It's a close call between Resident Evil 2 and Revelations on the Nintendo 3DS for my favourite of the decade but this one really got it's biohazardous talons-with-eyes into us especially raid mode. Revelations 2 is fantastic co-op but the raid mode side of things isn't as fluid as the original Revelations. Criminally, aside from a brief VR foray into Resident Evil 7, we errr didn't play it.
- The Last Story 2012 Oh, I fell in love with this game and despite the small geography of Lazulis City it felt like a living city with many surprises tucked away. Great soundtrack to boot.
- Fire Emblem Awakening 2013 Another series that had a rock solid decade starting with Awakening then the rest of the 3DS trilogy, an excellent Warriors game and even Heroes wasn't too bad. Although Fire Emblem Three Houses is the superior game, it's the cast and the support system pioneered by Awakening that has this in my top 18.
- Tomb Raider 2013 Sometimes the context in which you play a game is as important as the game itself. A weekend in 2013 with fellow Tomb Raider fans blasting through this excellent and long awaited reboot is fondly remembered.
- Last of Us 2013 It's hard to put a finger on just one thing that makes this game phenomenal but there's not been much like it since.
- LEGO Marvel Super Heroes 2013 There were some great LEGO games this decade from opposites LEGO Worlds and LEGO Dimensions to movie tie-ins and a strong series of games based on the Marvel and DC comics. The Marvel trilogy in particular was outstanding.
- Everyone's Gone to the Rapture 2015 With age, the more energetic games can leave me wheezing with exhaustion just thinking about playing them and EGttR is a perfect respite from the shootbang games. Honestly, I'd be keen to play more games just like this. The English countryside setting in particular made it extra special.
- Mario Kart 8 Deluxe 2017 Honestly, who actually puts Mario Kart on their top games list? Well thinking about it and looking at play records it's probably the perfect couch multiplayer game but with a real challenging depth to those looking to break records and get a hold of those elusive gold kart components.
- Splatoon 2 2017 Cheating slightly here by including Splatoon 2 and the Octo Expansion as one entry. I'm really not a huge fan of the central competitive gameplay of Splatoon, although I've put in the hours, but the single player side of things are a worthy first person puzzler(?) in their own right.
- Into the Breach 2018 When the options paralysis sets in, which is often, I just spin up Into the Breach. Three hours and a few runs later I'll question why I don't play this game even more often. Hundreds of hours in and still challenges to do, runs to try.
- Super Smash Brothers Ultimate 2018 Part game, part nerdy love letter to gaming, part video game museum.
- Pokemon Sword and Shield 2019 Okay as Richie pointed above any of the pokemon mainline series could have filled this slot but the last one makes most sense. Twas also a good decade for the spinoffs. I enjoyed Pokemon Conquest a huge deal, put an embarrassing amount of time into Quest as well as Picross, Rumble, Duel, Go and mystery dungeons.
Love and where do you even start with persona!
Richie + Cunzy X
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Games That I Am Scared Of In The Same Franchise As Others Games I'm Still Scared Of.
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Review Alien: Isolation & Lazy Gaming
Obnoxious Self-Indulgent Preamble That Passes For Games Journalism These Days
When did we get so lazy as gamers? Is it just age? Is it that when you can play games whenever you want it becomes less fun? Is it the era of convenience over quality that we live in? Is it surplus leads to boredom rather than when you might get one or two new games a year rather than just buying up humble bundles that sit unplayed on Steam 'just in case'? We can barely be bothered to change a disc or cartridge let alone set up a VR headset.
And it's because of this slovenly indolence that we (and many others) have been digitally picking up games we already own for the Switch because within seconds you're in the game. No disc. No updates. No over-bearing interface or account juggling. Just on, select game, choose Mii and in. This convenience, dear reader, is why we recently picked up Alien Isolation for the Switch. We bought it when it came in 2014 but it was more quicker, not to mention more convenient to wait for it to come out on the Switch than to wait for the updates to download on the dusty PS4.
We already had a quick take on the game because why write one perfectly serviceable article about a game when salami slicing it into teaser description, trailer breakdown, previews, quick looks, ethno-takes, that fat one's review, the girl's review, the funny one's review, a still playing spotlight, idividual Easter Egg highlights and retro retrospectives can spread the same content leaner but with 15000% more ad exposure. Expect another 42 articles on this game coming soon once we hit 82 likes, 200 followers, £36 on Patreon and a meatball subway in the PO Box.
The Actual Review, Kinda
When it came out *checks watch* SIX years ago we remember it garnering favourable reviews particularly for building suspense and the clever AI of the lone Alien that stalks you, Ripley's daughter through Sevastapol space station during a quick pick up mission- the flight recorder of Alien's Nostromo- gone wrong.
We've not played it enough to work out quite how clever the game is but enough to know that the Alien is bloody brutal and your inventory of cogs, a packet of chewing gum and Blockbuster membership card isn't much of a deterrent. As a consequence, because we're little scaredy cats, here's how our playthrough has been going, in pictures:
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| OH GOD IT'S THE FUCKING ALIEN, HE GOT THAT DUDE SEVERAL HOURS LATER |
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| Safely, safely, hidey, desky |
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| OH CRAP IT'S IN THE GODDAM ROOM |
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| CRAP, IT'S IN THE WHEELCHAIR. Maybe if I don't look at it, it can't see me? |
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| Maybe it's time to leave desky? it's been half an hour since the last blip |
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| OH MY GOD IT'S THERE, SAVE ME DESKY, SAVE ME! |
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| Ah. Locker. Much better than that stupid old desk. |
DIES OF STARVATION TWO DAYS LATER.
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Dragon ball: Another Game
The Kotaku version of this post would go into detail with some wistful unimaginative bunk like how the dragonball characters related to the tough times that we were going through in IRL and how despite the lack of IRL friends, the dragon ball have given me great memories, akin to the first time you fingered someone, but hey we are not kotaku and we do not condone that sort of practice!
No Sir!
No fingering here... Much
Anyways!
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Dragon ball: Kakarot is out so soon 17 January.
For the longest while we were a religious consumer of dragon ball games harking back to SNES. there was a glorious time in the PS2 when the games were brought out yearly, allowing you relive the iconic blake-esque "epic" that is following Goku (Spoilers: AKA: Kakarot) through his life and sees him battling foes, finding friends and love. At this point we believe it is customary to write a list of every dragon ball game ever But wikipedia can do that better than me:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Dragon_Ball_video_games
The bulk of the Dragon ball games are very well received and a strongly founded in a niche fan following. Whether the game is fighting, RPG or a blend of both it always gets solid scores. Now that we are roughly half way though this bullshit post about a game that we have not played yet, we should preface this that in recent times we have not played the latter Dragonball games. Ultimately the games fall into the same trap of repeating the story over and over and there is limited appeal to go through all the fluff of the Frieza saga yet again. As such we took a step back and decided to pass on the raging blasts and Xenoverses (though did make a pitstop at Dragon Ball Fighter Z).
Wait so you are saying you are going to pick up the latest game touted as the best retelling of the story, but you are fed up of the story?
Well somewhat yeah... But like, there is pretty graphics... Potential um DLC and stuffs. Hey we dunno, maybe there has been enough time between the games to not care about the story yet again.
And I mean... you know... open world stuff.. maybe?
Ugh TBH... Yes there looks to be a lot of story stuff in there but in among it all there seems to be a lot of added content, lots of nods to the original series of dragon ball, before dragon ball Z arcs began. And we really liked the original dragon ball, and it has been long enough since we saw that to enjoy! (ed: like the creepy Japanese perving on panties stuff, right?).
There is a whole new-ish world to enjoy and we're hoping a more robust RPG element.
It's due out 17 January and we already jumped the gun and preordered this bad boy. Though ultimately with Pokemon Sword/Shield and our character being lvl 59 in WoW will this game get a look in or will it become steam library fodder in among all those creepy japanese games? Tune in, in 2021 for the round up -.-'
Love and Bulma's bloomers,
Richie X
No Sir!
No fingering here... Much
Anyways!
Dragon ball: Kakarot is out so soon 17 January.
For the longest while we were a religious consumer of dragon ball games harking back to SNES. there was a glorious time in the PS2 when the games were brought out yearly, allowing you relive the iconic blake-esque "epic" that is following Goku (Spoilers: AKA: Kakarot) through his life and sees him battling foes, finding friends and love. At this point we believe it is customary to write a list of every dragon ball game ever But wikipedia can do that better than me:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Dragon_Ball_video_games
The bulk of the Dragon ball games are very well received and a strongly founded in a niche fan following. Whether the game is fighting, RPG or a blend of both it always gets solid scores. Now that we are roughly half way though this bullshit post about a game that we have not played yet, we should preface this that in recent times we have not played the latter Dragonball games. Ultimately the games fall into the same trap of repeating the story over and over and there is limited appeal to go through all the fluff of the Frieza saga yet again. As such we took a step back and decided to pass on the raging blasts and Xenoverses (though did make a pitstop at Dragon Ball Fighter Z).
Wait so you are saying you are going to pick up the latest game touted as the best retelling of the story, but you are fed up of the story?
Well somewhat yeah... But like, there is pretty graphics... Potential um DLC and stuffs. Hey we dunno, maybe there has been enough time between the games to not care about the story yet again.
And I mean... you know... open world stuff.. maybe?
Ugh TBH... Yes there looks to be a lot of story stuff in there but in among it all there seems to be a lot of added content, lots of nods to the original series of dragon ball, before dragon ball Z arcs began. And we really liked the original dragon ball, and it has been long enough since we saw that to enjoy! (ed: like the creepy Japanese perving on panties stuff, right?).
There is a whole new-ish world to enjoy and we're hoping a more robust RPG element.
It's due out 17 January and we already jumped the gun and preordered this bad boy. Though ultimately with Pokemon Sword/Shield and our character being lvl 59 in WoW will this game get a look in or will it become steam library fodder in among all those creepy japanese games? Tune in, in 2021 for the round up -.-'
Love and Bulma's bloomers,
Richie X
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